Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

Leesbro63 · Post by **Leesbro63** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:16 pm

Ok, a friend of mine and I had an interesting discussion today. We are both "comfortable" financially and pay for our kids' college and all that "spoiled" stuff that some Bogleheads sneer at. That being said, our kids are all young professionals/professionals-to-be and have done well, despite the parental coddling.

Ok, here's the question. We both have 1 daughter. I also have 1 son and he has 2. If we give our daughter's the big ticket wedding...say $100,000, is it fair to NOT give a similar amount to our sons? And if daughter says "dad, you taught me well about money...we'll elope but want the $100K to put toward a home"....what then? Do you still give the $100K, or only give it if it's gets pissed away on the traditional wedding? And if you give HER the money, do you tell your son(s) to go get it from his future father-in-law?

I am NOT asking what you guys think of spending $100K on a wedding. I already know the answer. I AM asking that based on the circumstances presented, what is the FAIR way to handle wedding vis-a-vis daughters vs sons.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:25 pm

If you are Filipino, you pay for your sons' weddings, but not your daughters. If you are American, you pay for your daughter's wedding. Get your daughter to marry a Filipino and your sons to marry Americans, and you will pay nothing for any of them. It can't be fairer than that!

P.S. I assume there are other cultures where the groom's family pays. Help your daughter find a nice young man from one of those cultures.

Leesbro63 · Post by **Leesbro63** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:31 pm

Great idea! Your point, however, is good. That there are cultural expectations at play. I'm just not sure that the expectations of 1950 are the same as they are now in 2011. Are parents of the bride still expected to pay for the wedding? Is it OK to pay for your daughter and not your son? Do you offer to pay HALF for EACH, reflecting our egalitarian move since 1950? And do you punish the child who wants to use the money for something practical (house?) instead of the wedding, by saying "no it's only for the wedding"? In that case to you give the wedding money TO YOUR DAUGHTER, but nothing (large) to the son?

Grt2bOutdoors · Post by **Grt2bOutdoors** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:34 pm

What you do for one, should be done for the other.
To do anything else, would be to breed contempt between siblings when none possible existed before.

JasonR · Post by **JasonR** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:40 pm

Allot equal amounts to both children to do as they please.

Random Musings · Post by **Random Musings** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:42 pm

If you truly want to be "equal", besides the wedding costs, couldn't you also consider the differences in college education costs (room, board, books and stuff) for each child, so your "payout" is the same. Plus, take into consideration any other big ticket items (like cars, expected/actual expenditure toward son's wedding).

On the other hand, is it fair to "punish" your daughter for being born a girl? With that in mind, I would set up a reasonable base amount for a wedding, and anything over that would be part of the calculation to get to an even payout. If your base amount is $100K, so be it (it would be one heck of a wedding for the guests, at least).

There is no perfect answer, only you and your wife can decide.

RM

Leesbro63 · Post by **Leesbro63** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:49 pm

College costs are roughly equal, so that isn't an issue. But I am leaning toward what you are suggesting...adding up all the big ticket stuff and trying to do for one what I did for the other.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:58 pm

Leesbro63 wrote:Great idea! Your point, however, is good. That there are cultural expectations at play. I'm just not sure that the expectations of 1950 are the same as they are now in 2011. Are parents of the bride still expected to pay for the wedding? Is it OK to pay for your daughter and not your son?

The most important cultural expectations are those of your children. If your sons expect you to pay for your daughter and not for them, they won't see any inequality if you do just that. I am pretty sure that both your sons realize that they are not "daddy's little girl" and wouldn't expect to be treated as such. The size of their weddings will be determined by their brides, so forcing money at a family without your means could be tacky.

P.S. Your son's could both marry Filipinos, and then you could pay for all three weddings. That also would be equal.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:12 pm

P.S. More about being equal. Others focus on money, but did you spend the same amount of time going to her activities as you did to your sons'? If you spent hours every week at their soccer games and baseball games, but only went to her dance recital twice a year, you may "owe" her more than you think. Money isn't the only measure you should use; don't forget time spent together.

archbish99 · Post by **archbish99** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:31 pm

Even "American" traditions differ. I've always heard the expectation that groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner, for example. That's not (necessarily) an insignificant piece.

In our case, my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner; my wife's mom paid for the cake and flowers; her dad gave her $500. I paid for the rest -- we worked out our household budget as a couple, and I set aside as wedding money what I would have spent on my wife for the months I had a job but we weren't married.

filmtheory · Post by **filmtheory** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:19 pm

Groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner and bar tab at the wedding, Bride's family pays for everything else. It never even crossed my mind that I (as son) was stiffed when my Dad paid for my sister's wedding.

xerty24 · Post by **xerty24** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:24 pm

Decide on a reasonable budget for the wedding, $30k or whatever, and offer your daughter the difference in cash for anything she doesn't spend. She pays for the excess. You can purchase car or house downpayment for a similar amount for your sons.

dcnut · Post by **dcnut** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:35 pm

We have several children (both male and female). Each of them moved far away after college and established themselves professionally for several years prior to marriage. We gave each of them exactly the same cash gift,
adjusted for inflation (CPI-U). They each planned (and paid for) their own wedding, which were held in their new, adopted hometowns.

Glenn

XtremeSki2001 · Post by **XtremeSki2001** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:40 pm

My parents (parents of the groom) gave my (now) wife and I $3k towards our wedding (total wedding cost plus honeymoon was about $30k).

I expect them to foot the full bill to my sisters wedding and I could not care less. Why do you think this will make your sons upset?

sport · Post by **sport** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:20 pm

My daugter and her husband planned their own wedding. We told them how much we were willing to spend on it, and I also told them they could do whatever they wished with the money. The groom's parents did the same. If they wanted to have a small wedding and keep the difference for a house or retirement, I would have been happy for them. They elected to have the big wedding. It was very nice.

Jeff

mbres60 · Post by **mbres60** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:27 pm

my son got married 3 years ago. We paid for rehearsal dinner and gave money towards honeymoon. Bride's parents gave them a check to pay for wedding and they planned a wedding w/in that budget.

Now my daughter is getting married in a few weeks. We are paying for everything but the rehearsal dinner (groom's parents) and the couple is paying for their own honeymoon.

I don't think my son feels upset (at least he has not told me so).

Spooky · Post by **Spooky** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 8:27 pm

My parents gave me (their daughter) a cash gift to help with the wedding. I believe they will do the same for my brother.

My mother claimed the gift was "no strings attached," but then started inviting people she doesn't even like. So if you truly want to give a gift, make that clear. Or, if the money comes with strings attached--and if you want certain people invited to wedding, those are strings--make that clear as well.

It seems most fair to give each child a similar gift at a similar point in adulthood. If one child chose never to get married, it would seem unfair.

jeh676 · Post by **jeh676** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 8:37 pm

It annoyed me (as the bride) that my in-laws paid for their daughter's wedding but barely helped with their son's. Particularly because they still dictated (and yes we should have pushed back) a great deal of the guest list, which increased the cost dramatically for my parents (far more than the rehearsal dinner that I managed to throw for $200), who were in no better position to pay it than they were.

If we are in a financial position to help pay for a wedding, it will set the precedent for a 'life gift' for the subsequent children, whether it be for a house or a business or their children's education.

Steelersfan · Post by **Steelersfan** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 9:29 pm

We following the usual protocol for weddings, receptions and rehearsal dinners and the daughter ended up financially ahead of the two sons. Nothing extravagant, but all were nice affairs. All got something for the honeymoon but not nearly enough to cover the whole expense.

No one seemed to mind the difference.

campy2010 · Post by **campy2010** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:42 pm

I was under the impression that the bride's family picking up most of the cost of the wedding was a thing of the past. Among my peers, most saved for their own wedding, and both sets of parents pitched in if they were able to do so financially. Based on the responses here it looks like this isn't standard procedure. Interesting.

Post by **Alex Frakt** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:44 pm

Leesbro63 wrote:I AM asking that based on the circumstances presented, what is the FAIR way to handle wedding vis-a-vis daughters vs sons.

The answer to this question is that you should give approximately the same amount to each child at roughly the same point in life to do with as he or she sees fit.

It would certainly be culturally acceptable to pay for the daughter's wedding only, but that's a different issue than "FAIR".

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:08 am

Alex Frakt wrote: The answer to this question is that you should give approximately the same amount to each child at roughly the same point in life to do with as he or she sees fit.

It would certainly be culturally acceptable to pay for the daughter's wedding only, but that's a different issue than "FAIR".

I think fair is relative to circumstances. You pay $100k for your daughter's wedding. Your son's in-laws-to-be are willing to pay $100k for his wedding. Your "fair" $100k either means he gets a $200k wedding while your daughter only gets a $100k wedding, or he gets both the $100k wedding and $100k cash while she gets only the $100k wedding. That's not my version of fair.

Here is another example. Your son has two children and you spend 3 hours every day babysitting. Your daughter has no children. If fairness means equal hours, then you should spend 3 hours a day doing housework and gardening for your daughter. Fair? Not to me. I can babysit for one without doing the dishes for the other.

HomerJ · Post by **HomerJ** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:14 am

Leesbro63 wrote:I am NOT asking what you guys think of spending $100K on a wedding. I already know the answer. I AM asking that based on the circumstances presented, what is the FAIR way to handle wedding vis-a-vis daughters vs sons.

Heh, I just can't get past that number... why couldn't you just have said $20k or so? Just for the question about fairness... $100k for a wedding sounds as crazy to me as $1 million for a wedding probably sounds to you.

But yeah, I guess you needed to give the number so we could understand the problem... If the gift is THAT big, then you should give it to both kids.

rylemdr · Post by **rylemdr** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:21 am

sscritic wrote:If you are Filipino, you pay for your sons' weddings, but not your daughters. If you are American, you pay for your daughter's wedding. Get your daughter to marry a Filipino and your sons to marry Americans, and you will pay nothing for any of them. It can't be fairer than that!

P.S. I assume there are other cultures where the groom's family pays. Help your daughter find a nice young man from one of those cultures.

I literally LOL'd at this. I understand because I was born and raised in the Philippines.

I am NOT Filipino though. I choose to self identify as Chinese.

If you factor in all the costs of raising children, you will realize that raising a daughter will cost substantially more than raising a son. I even read some research about this, but I forgot where.

It will be very hard to be completely fair towards your children as even the most minute things have to be accounted for.

Example:
You bought an 8 slice pizza worth 10 dollars for the family. Johnny eats three and a half slices of pizza. Suzie eats two.

Over the cost of the lifetime of your children, these things will add up and the costs for each child will greatly vary.

Unless you have all the time in the world and the discipline to keep track of every single detail of your costs, it is impossible to be fair.

Just for simplicity though, as $100,000 is a whole lot of money, it would be wise to allocate the same amount to both of your children and ask them what they want to do with it. You can place restrictions or whatever to prevent them from spending it on something stupid.

Remember to factor in inflation too!

$100k for Johnny this year won't be the same amount as $100k for Suzie 3 years later

P.S.
sscritic, are you Filipino?

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:37 am

rylemdr wrote:P.S.
sscritic, are you Filipino?

Let's just say I have experienced various aspects of the culture, including weddings.

FireProof · Post by **FireProof** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 2:11 am

Man, $100,000.

I remember I was choosing between a full scholarship at one school and and a half scholarship at a higher ranked school (a difference of about $78,000). I finally felt comfortable giving up the prestige for the money, when I heard about a family acquaintance having a $60,000 wedding. I'll admit that shook my faith a bit - if they were willing to blow that much money on a single day, should I give up the prestige and utility of that higher-ranked degree over the next 80 years for such a similar sum?

Ultimately, it didn't faze me, and I'm very glad about that decision, but these numbers still shock (and appall me).

celia · Post by **celia** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:03 am

This question reminds me of a similar one regarding wills: Are you (and spouse, if any) supposed to leave your estate equally to your children?

What if one child earns 3 times as much as another. A third is a stay-at-home parent. Some of your children have several kids of their own, while some have none. One of them has a serious health problem. Another is a drug addict and gambler.

We could come up with all kinds of scenarios, but the question is if you would still divide everything equally among your kids. I think the same answer would apply to the wedding.

You "even" things out in different ways. It doesn't have to be equal dollar amounts, time, job contacts, college expenses, etc. But overall, most of us probably try to be somewhat fair.

------------------------------
We have relatives with 5 adult children in the family. Once, the "children" were asked if they thought they were raised fairly. Each one replied that (s)he thought the parents favored a child other than themself. The parents thought they had been relatively fair. Go figure!

RadAudit · Post by **RadAudit** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:43 am

Why be fair? The drive to be fair will never succeed and will drive you to the poorhouse (and bonkers) in the process. Do your best to do what is perceived to be right / culturally correct and forget about it.

My wife is always justifying one more expenditure or another to one child or another in an effort to balance out the money spent on each in an attempt to be fair.

The last time we could be fair was at Christmas when they were kids and each got the same number of boxes on Christmas morning. Then one of them learned about money. That kid immediately figured out that pop beads cost a lot less a Fanner Fifty.

marylandcrab · Post by **marylandcrab** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:08 am

Why not wait and see what situations come up in life for your kids? Just because I buy a pair of shoes for one when they outgrow them, doesn't mean the other gets a pair at the same time.

We do what we need when we need for the individual child. There are times when one gets more spent on them than the other.

You wouldn't have to necessarily give the son the 100k - you could gift him and his wife a honeymoon and a nice rehearsal dinner for ex. Or help with a downpayment on a house. Maybe he'll marry a girl from a similar family expectations yours, maybe he won't.

Do what you are going to do for your daughter, worry about your son later.

jeh676 · Post by **jeh676** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:10 am

There are plenty of reasons for things not to be equal, or fair. Reasons that make a lot of sense. For us, gender is not a sufficient reason.

Rodc · Post by **Rodc** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:42 am

Interesting. If you gave $100K in cash to one and not another that seems pretty unfair.

If you offer to burn $100K for one but not the other, is it really unfair? No one gets any real benefit one way or the other.

Is a one day party of any lasting value to your daughter? (Say compared to paying for college or buying her a house or making a substantial down payment, or compared to putting $100K into a retirement account?) That is, is it closer to giving cash, or is it closer to just burning the money?

I can see someone being unhappy that Mom and Dad provided significant funding for sis's retirement ($100K today could very easily be five times that in real dollars by retirement 40 years later), or paid for sis's college and made them take out loans.

But sis got a fancy one day party they didn't? Not so big a deal.

Personally, I'd offer them all the same amount of cash and it they want to burn it, toss it away on a one day party, or use it to build a better life that is their choice. (or some combination as they see fit).

HomerJ · Post by **HomerJ** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:46 am

Rodc wrote:Interesting. If you gave $100K in cash to one and not another that seems pretty unfair.

If you offer to burn $100K for one but not the other, is it really unfair? No one gets any real benefit one way or the other.

Is a one day party of any lasting value to your daughter? (Say compared to paying for college or buying her a house or making a substantial down payment, or compared to putting $100K into a retirement account?) That is, is it closer to giving cash, or is it closer to just burning the money?

I can see someone being unhappy that Mom and Dad provided significant funding for sis's retirement ($100K today could very easily be five times that in real dollars by retirement 40 years later), or paid for sis's college and made them take out loans.

But sis got a fancy one day party they didn't? Not so big a deal.

Yeah, that is an interesting way to look at it...

$100k cash gift is very different than just burning $100k cash on a one-day party.

HomerJ · Post by **HomerJ** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:48 am

Actually, if one can afford to blow $100k on a wedding, then the kids are probably in line to inherit millions anyway, so the son probably won't care about the piddly $100k.

Watty · Post by **Watty** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:59 am

The solution is simple.

Give your son $100K for a bachelor party.

Of course you might not need to worry about his wedding after that.

Cody · Post by **Cody** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:08 am

What about the "parodical sibling" possibly?

One has a great job, and a great life there in. One has had tough luck, a tough life and required much more financial and emotional help along the way. And continues to need that help.

Do you take away from the one who needs financial help to give to the one who does not need the help?

Cody

John Bailout · Post by **John Bailout** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:13 am

celia wrote:This question reminds me of a similar one regarding wills: Are you (and spouse, if any) supposed to leave your estate equally to your children?

What if one child earns 3 times as much as another. A third is a stay-at-home parent. Some of your children have several kids of their own, while some have none. One of them has a serious health problem. Another is a drug addict and gambler.

As for the OP's wedding question and for Celia's point above, I would allot exactly the same amount to each kid - avoid all sorts of quarrels. And it is much harder for a kid to argue that they should have gotten more, than that they should have gotten the same as the others. I think the objective here is to avoid family quarrels instead of forcing your (temporary) definition of fairness onto everyone.

BTW, if you want to give them $100k, just give them that $ amount and let the kids decide how to spend the money - wedding vs. fast car vs. something sensible. I think doing so will lead to a much more rational outcome that you saying "hey, I'll pick up the tab for your wedding, your budget is $100k". In the former case the kids need to prioritize their needs and wants, in the latter case they just have a budget to spend - guess what will happen.

mmmodem · Post by **mmmodem** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:56 am

I think it's going to be entirely on how your children feel about it. I can tell you how I felt about it. We are both the first generation in this country. In her culture, the son's family pays for the weddng. In mine, her family. It's a wash either way because neither of our families have money. We paid for our own wedding a little under 1 year and a half ago.

My parents did pay for a portion of my older sister's college education and none to mine. The only reason I didn't think it was unfair was because she was more irresponsible and needed extra "care" to make it through. But if my parents paid for her wedding and not mine. I'd definitely feel favortism.

TxAg · Post by **TxAg** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:06 am

give each kid $100k and let them spend it how they wish. wedding, house, lottery tickets, etc.

caklim00 · Post by **caklim00** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:07 am

Wife and I talked this and we plan on giving the same amount as a wedding gift to any daughters and sons. If the daughter uses it for the wedding and the son uses it for a down payment on a house then that's his/her choice. Seems fair to me...

Of course I have to have a son first for any of this to matter.

specabecca · Post by **specabecca** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:17 am

The first thing I thought when I read this post was 'life isn't fair'.

My parents taught this lesson to my brother and I through repetition and case examples. To be clear, our childhoods were fairytale perfect. We had everything a child could want, and none of the burdens that a child should bear.

That said, my brother got 3x the allowance I did because, as a boy, he was supposed to pay for dates even though he was not a breadwinner. He also ate thousands of dollars worth of food more than I did, and crashed 3 vehicles before the age of 18 (twice while driving my parents vehichles while they sat in the co-pilot seat).

As a girl, I was indulged with more direct expenses on grooming and clothing. As a woman, I got a spectacular wedding (the wedding my mother always wanted, btw. I highly recommend this arrangement, if possible).

My brother did not get any help for his wedding, however none was asked for or needed. It didn't even come up, and hasn't since.

In short, I think you should throw the question right out the window. It isn't about what is fair for your children, it is about doing the right thing for each one in any given circumstance. Every child is different; beyond the basics (food, clothing, shelter, security, etc) each child has his or her own set of needs. Do your best to meet the needs of your children, not their expectations.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:38 am

specabecca wrote:The first thing I thought when I read this post was 'life isn't fair'.

My parents taught this lesson to my brother and I through repetition and case examples. To be clear, our childhoods were fairytale perfect. We had everything a child could want, and none of the burdens that a child should bear.

That said, my brother got 3x the allowance I did because, as a boy, he was supposed to pay for dates even though he was not a breadwinner. He also ate thousands of dollars worth of food more than I did, and crashed 3 vehicles before the age of 18 (twice while driving my parents vehichles while they sat in the co-pilot seat).

As a girl, I was indulged with more direct expenses on grooming and clothing. As a woman, I got a spectacular wedding (the wedding my mother always wanted, btw. I highly recommend this arrangement, if possible).

My brother did not get any help for his wedding, however none was asked for or needed. It didn't even come up, and hasn't since.

In short, I think you should throw the question right out the window. It isn't about what is fair for your children, it is about doing the right thing for each one in any given circumstance. Every child is different; beyond the basics (food, clothing, shelter, security, etc) each child has his or her own set of needs. Do your best to meet the needs of your children, not their expectations.

Good post (since it reflects my opinion).

P.S. And I bet you washed more dishes than he did growing up.

kirent · Post by **kirent** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:53 am

FireProof wrote:Man, $100,000.

I remember I was choosing between a full scholarship at one school and and a half scholarship at a higher ranked school (a difference of about $78,000). I finally felt comfortable giving up the prestige for the money, when I heard about a family acquaintance having a $60,000 wedding. I'll admit that shook my faith a bit - if they were willing to blow that much money on a single day, should I give up the prestige and utility of that higher-ranked degree over the next 80 years for such a similar sum?

Ultimately, it didn't faze me, and I'm very glad about that decision, but these numbers still shock (and appall me).

What were the schools in question? I assume you're talking about undergrad, which would probably be overwritten in "prestige" if you went on to get a graduate degree.

livelife · Post by **livelife** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:09 pm

GRT2BOUTDOORS wrote:What you do for one, should be done for the other.
To do anything else, would be to breed contempt between siblings when none possible existed before.

I agree. Children should be treated equally. The only time individuality should come into play is if a child has mental health issues or significant addictions. If this is the case, they should receive no direct support but some one you trust should provide custodial assistance.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:47 pm

livelife wrote:Children should be treated equally.

If both your children went to public colleges in CA and the cost doubled in the time between when your first child started and your second, did you pay the same dollar amount for both, the same real dollar amount for both, or full expenses for both? You can't be equal in all three simultaneously (education costs having grown faster than inflation generally).

If the cost of a wedding goes up in a similar fashion between the first child and the second, the same conundrum occurs. You can't treat them equally under all definitions of equal. Thus, you are forced to treat them unequally under at least some definitions.

I don't think equal is possible. I know I wasn't equal. My wife and I had money set aside for my daughter's college expenses. My wife died, and my son collected social security benefits until he was 18. He had all the money he needed for college from SS. I didn't give him much of anything, while I had paid for my daughter. Was that unfair? I don't think so. They both got a college education without having to work. One was paid by me, the other by SS. I saw no need to enrich him unnecessarily by giving him the same cash that I gave my daughter, whether in nominal dollars, inflation adjusted dollars, or tuition adjusted dollars. What would have been unfair is to have given her nothing for her graduation and given him a $40,000 graduation present. Seriously, that's what you call equal? You can equalize the education spending or you can equalize the graduation gifts, but you can't equalize both.

Now change the facts to my son had his wedding paid by his in-laws, Sam and Sarah, while I paid for my daughter's. Should I give him a $40,000 wedding present that I didn't give my daughter when he had his wedding fully paid for by SS? To me, there is no difference between the tuition/graduation present and the wedding/wedding present questions. I choose to equalize the presents rather than the spending on the wedding/tuition.

snowbound · Post by **snowbound** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:15 pm

My daughters got married a little over a year apart.

Daughter 1 gets cash gift from me well in advance of the wedding. to do as she pleases. Her future inlaws also gifted the same amount. The wedding comes in slightly over budget. The bride and groom pick up the difference without complaint.

Daughter 2 gets the exact cash gift from me well in advance of the wedding, to do as she pleases. Her future inlaws contribute what they said the could. The wedding came in on budget with the bride and groom picking up the difference without complaint.

Son 1 is far from getting married. If he does not marry by the time he is 30 he will get the same cash gift that his sisters received. If he decides to get married after that his gift has already been given.

In this day and age for one family to pick up the entire cost of a wedding is just nuts if you ask me.

sscritic · Post by **sscritic** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:23 pm

snowbound wrote: Son 1 is far from getting married. If he does not marry by the time he is 30 he will get the same cash gift that his sisters received.

Are you tracking the average cost of a wedding so you can give him the equivalent "wedding adjusted" dollars? The Bridal Association of America keeps statistics, so all you have to do is write down the average cost in the years your daughters were married and then look up the average cost in the year he marries. A simple ratio should suffice to compute what he should get in "wedding dollars."

Code: Select all

     2005	 $26,450		 
June 2006	 $27,470	
July 2006	 $27,710	 
July 2007	 $28,850	
     2009	 $30,860

http://www.bridalassociationofamerica.c ... tatistics/

Flashes1 · Post by **Flashes1** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:29 pm

I'd tell my son that he should find a woman who's family has the financial means to put together a big wedding. Then throw a rehearsal dinner for your son with enough booze that would make Sinatra blush. Everone's a winner.

pkh01l · Post by **pkh01l** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:38 pm

dcnut wrote:We have several children (both male and female). Each of them moved far away after college and established themselves professionally for several years prior to marriage. We gave each of them exactly the same cash gift,
adjusted for inflation (CPI-U). They each planned (and paid for) their own wedding, which were held in their new, adopted hometowns.

Glenn

This sounds like how I would handle. I would give each $10,000 as a wedding gift. They can use that for a wedding or a trip to Vegas and pocket what's left.

pkh01l · Post by **pkh01l** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:48 pm

On a related note, I have a daughter but am divorced from her mother. If tradition calls for the bride's parents to pay for most of the wedding, am I and my ex-wife expected to split that cost evenly? (She is remarried with kids with the 2nd husband)

HomerJ · Post by **HomerJ** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:52 pm

sscritic wrote:
snowbound wrote: Son 1 is far from getting married. If he does not marry by the time he is 30 he will get the same cash gift that his sisters received.
Are you tracking the average cost of a wedding so you can give him the equivalent "wedding adjusted" dollars? The Bridal Association of America keeps statistics, so all you have to do is write down the average cost in the years your daughters were married and then look up the average cost in the year he marries. A simple ratio should suffice to compute what he should get in "wedding dollars."
Code: Select all
     2005	 $26,450		 
June 2006	 $27,470	
July 2006	 $27,710	 
July 2007	 $28,850	
     2009	 $30,860	
http://www.bridalassociationofamerica.c ... tatistics/

Using those numbers is like asking a car salesman for an "average-priced" car...

It doesn't matter what stupid people pay for weddings... You can have a very nice wedding for much much cheaper than $30k

Bogleheads.org

Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

Re: Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

Re: Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

Re: Paying for Kids Wedding-Parity?

I just went through this

Re: I just went through this

Re: I just went through this