Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

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humblecoder
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by humblecoder »

My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
London
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by London »

Getting the money won’t lead you to feel better about missing out on your parents final days. I’d just move on and not spend any more time dealing with your siblings. Not worth the emotional drain.
skp
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by skp »

humblecoder wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:43 pm My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
This is why I plan to do what my mother did. My mom paid us for helping her. If you cut her grass- she paid the person who cut the grass the going rate. Cleaned her house- paid the going rate. My sister drove her to appointments (I did sometimes but lived out of state) and she bought and delivered her groceries- she got a car. As she aged, my sister had to go over there 2 times a day to make sure she got her meds. I came once a month and stayed for several days. But really it was my sister who was the assisted living.
So since my sister was local and did most of the work- swe all discussed it and decided she got mom's house to do with what she wanted- and gave it to her son. It needed a lot of work- not sure they got such a deal. Then what was left we split in half.
IMO people who do the caregiving should get more. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way. There were big issues in my husband's family when the 2 kids who took care of his grandmother for years got the estate. The others didn't get anything. I can't help but think that if maybe if the others got something things would have been better. I wonder if being totally cut out is what the problem was.
mptfan
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by mptfan »

PortAlice wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 10:25 am In addition to grieving my mother, I am now faced with a choice of trying to file litigation against my siblings to try to regain my fair share of the estate.
Who determines your fair share of the estate? I don't meant to be antagonistic, but maybe your mother did not want you to have anything and maybe your fair share is zero. These situations are tricky because your mother had the right to give her assets to whomever she wanted, in whatever share she wanted. I understand that she may have been under undue influence of your siblings to do something that you think is unfair, but how do we know it's not what your mother wanted? Maybe your siblings took advantage, or maybe it is what your mother wanted, but we will never know. It's a tough situation with no clear answer, and I would not spend my time and money and mental energy fighting over it.
SouthernInvestor
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by SouthernInvestor »

So the siblings were supposed to look after the declining mother for years out of love, and yet you couldn't stay in touch with her? Sorry, I don't see your fact pattern as particularly sympathetic.
MrsBDG
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by MrsBDG »

Seeing things from both sides can be so interesting. Often when discussing a contentious issue with a friend, I will ask them, ok, you told me your side, how do you think "they" would present their side? Exploring that can help one understand how things got messed up.

We had an in law nearly 100, definitely losing it, but could not get the MD to take away the car (parent called the cops on sons for auto theft when they moved it to a parking garage-neither a PCP or a neuro or the MD in the AL would tell the DMV he was unsafe, believe me, he was unsafe) and on the journey from full cognition to 100% any judge anywhere would declare him incompetent, there is a long slippery slope when they could sign over the house to the caregiver, give away valuable etc. It would have been really helpful, at a time we were getting 20-30 calls a day about "important" things (from a person who had always been self-involved and demanding, so this was not completely out of character) just how much he actually was losing it mentally, so we could have been certain the apparent obsessive calling also involved forgetting he had called! I would have felt less crazy under the barrage if any day to day professional could have acknowledged the level of mental loss. Even having someone declared incompetent is expensive and difficult. It would be very tough to prove she was not of sound mind if she changed her will. I have read stories where even though some one is somewhat demented, they still are considered to have the right to determine who gets their stuff if they can explain who the people are and what stuff they have!

Reading posts like these over the years, it's horrible the way a bad executor or trustee can empty an estate and there may be very little consequence.

If I were in your position, I would think about what I really want. I mean, yes, totally, you want the $200k if it's yours and it's there. But assume for a moment all the money is gone, then is there anything you want? Do you want to clear the air? Do you want to understand their anger? Do you want to try to offer a mediation time to get together and talk (with some outside help?) just about how we all get so estranged? Just let them vent and you listen? So you understand in your heart what happened?

That said, I am sorry for the tension and animosity from your siblings, and I am sorry if your Mom was manipulated to cut you out. I took care of my mother in my home for ten years, the last 5 with growing dementia, the last 2 with Hellish dementia, when she died we were a few months from moving her out as I could no longer do it. Had I not cared for her, there would have been no 5 digit inheritance for my siblings. I could easily have found ways to justify that I get to keep the money for all the care and convinced her to make changes, but even though they were not much help, they were still her kids and if she did not cut off the black sheep, I sure wasn't going to do that. I've watched a lot of friends and read a lot of forums about inheritance, there are so very many ways to justify good and bad behavior.
aj44
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by aj44 »

My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.

Conditions always vary and always a good idea to seek a consult. I did learn to always, always, always get everything in writing and unimagined vultures circle when inheritances are involved. Always CYA
phxjcc
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by phxjcc »

I had a bad experience trying to fight a newly constructed will.
Handyman and his girlfriend…had my great (spinster) Aunt change her will.

The judge did not take kindly “those rich out of towers coming into this town and challenging things.”
Yes, literally.

That said…two other observations….
1. If you let it go…it may eat at you for years.

2. …and I will tread lightly here for fear of being accused of encouraging bullying…..if your resources are greater than your siblings, a calculated show of lawyerly force (filings, TRO, TI, et al) may spur your seeming intransigent relatives into an immediate offer of settlement out of fear of protracted and costly litigation which they themselves do not have resources to support and for which your mother’s funds (frozen by such a lawyerly firestorm) cannot be used.
stoptothink
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by stoptothink »

aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.
Something similar happened with my (step)grandmother's estate. Actually, it was my grandfather's estate, but when he died everything was left to his wife (who had remarried later in life, after being widowed). My mother's youngest sister (interestingly, my grandfather had adopted her as a pre-teen) all of the sudden became very close to her stepmom (whom she had not ever had a relationship with) when she was put into a home for dementia. Shortly after aunt became executor of the will and then grandma passed a year or two later. My mother and her other 5 siblings had always been reasonably close to their stepmother and were told the estate was split equally 7 ways...in the end my aunt got everything (high 7-figures). She was in her early 40's, her and her husband quit their jobs within weeks and then shortly after bought a McMansion with enough toys to fill the 4-car garage. It would have been life-changing money to my mom and 3 of her 5 other siblings. Needless to say, it completely destroyed the family.
sureshoe
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by sureshoe »

phxjcc wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 2:22 pm I had a bad experience trying to fight a newly constructed will.
Handyman and his girlfriend…had my great (spinster) Aunt change her will.

The judge did not take kindly “those rich out of towers coming into this town and challenging things.”
Yes, literally.

That said…two other observations….
1. If you let it go…it may eat at you for years.

2. …and I will tread lightly here for fear of being accused of encouraging bullying…..if your resources are greater than your siblings, a calculated show of lawyerly force (filings, TRO, TI, et al) may spur your seeming intransigent relatives into an immediate offer of settlement out of fear of protracted and costly litigation which they themselves do not have resources to support and for which your mother’s funds (frozen by such a lawyerly firestorm) cannot be used.
#2 might be worth a bluff, but dumping thousands of dollars on a lost cause may be really tough.

Your case is exactly the problem. Getting a will overturned is VERY difficult.
Parkinglotracer
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Parkinglotracer »

When I was an executor in Maryland I had to get all “interested parties” in the will to sign off a statement to the probate court the will had been successfully executed to all parties satisfaction. Any idea if you are an interested party? Maybe that is a path to stop the train … for now

If I thought my mom wanted me to have part of her estate I would look into it with legal counsel. I would not fight it if counsel thought it was futile or economically it is not worth fighting for. My siblings relationships would not be a factor.
Parkinglotracer
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Parkinglotracer »

When I was an executor in Maryland I had to get all “interested parties” in the will to sign off a statement to the probate court the will had been successfully executed to all parties satisfaction. Any idea if you are an interested party? Maybe that is a path to stop the train … for now

If I thought my mom wanted me to have part of her estate I would look into it with legal counsel. I would not fight it if counsel thought it was futile or economically it is not worth fighting for. My siblings relationships would not be a factor.
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Wricha
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Wricha »

Sorry for your loss and the tough situation you find yourself in. People often tend to rank their relationships being some scale of 0-5 (with 0 being no relationship, 2.5 being average and 5 being wonderful). My experience has taught me relationships should be ranked -5 to +5 (-5 being horrible, 0 being no relationship (average) and 5 being wonderful). In this case I would recommend striving for 0 (average) and understand that’s not so bad. Believe it or not if you have no relationship (average) as a reasonable outcome you will get over the money.
Last edited by Wricha on Sat Jan 29, 2022 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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firebirdparts
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by firebirdparts »

psteinx wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 11:40 am OP, sorry for your loss.

That said, I'm going to take a perhaps unpopular and unpleasant line.

You're not disclosing all details here - fine. But in relationship disputes like this, folks often disclose the most favorable things (to themselves), in the most favorable ways.

To take a (possibly erroneous) counter position:

You moved 2000 miles away from your family for years. You're not clear to us on how often you called your mom ("regularly"). You last visited her in relatively good health in June 2019 (~2 and a half years ago). You didn't really stay on top of what was going on in her life (admittedly, not helped by your siblings). A fight arose with your sibling(s) that you think is minor but they do not. Your siblings were both alienated from you, and your mother (possibly due to undue influence and/or fading cognitive skills) took their side.

They have apparently stayed close (physically and socially) to your mother. Your mother blacked out and fell in 2015, and has presumably had questionable health since. They've been (I think) physically close. They've probably provided lots of care and support for 6 years. Now, their sibling who doesn't even acknowledge the significance of whatever caused the inter-sibling dispute, parachutes in, is 300 miles away (but still didn't attempt to visit until mom was on her deathbed), and wants a third of the inheritance.

OK, maybe that's overly harsh. And yes, I'm sure it's painful to you in any case. But even though whatever past warmth you may have had towards your siblings has now mostly dissipated, perhaps try to look at it from their eyes (even if you think their vision is "blurry"). Think hard about how far you want to push this.
This right here. This is very much a consequence of your behavior and their character. Would that they were both better, but they weren’t. You feel entitled to have your behavior overlooked and I would too, but it didn’t happen. I’d punt if it was me, but I am naturally happy person and losing really works for me.
This time is the same
PhoebeCoco
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by PhoebeCoco »

Wricha wrote: Sat Jan 29, 2022 2:20 pm People often tend to rank their relationships being some scale of 0-5 (with 0 being no relationship, 2.5 being average and 5 being wonderful). My experience has taught me relationships should be ranked -5 to +5 (-5 being horrible, 0 being no relationship (average) and 5 being wonderful). In this case I would recommend striving for 0 (average) and understand that’s not so bad. Believe it or not if you have no relationship as a reasonable outcome you will get over the money.
Love this! I'm going to remember it. I can think of several relationships in my life this applies to.
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celia
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by celia »

OP, I’m late in joining this discussion, but should probably remind you that those “hefty retainers” could be 10% or less of the final legal bill. More money will probably be requested each month until the case is closed or you call it off. Is the legal cost worth it? I doubt it, so financially it does not make sense.

On the other side, sometimes I hear of seniors who need help from family in their final years, gladly giving more or all to the child who helped them for several years in their time of need. The senior with full cognitive ability could decide this is reasonable, especially if the child quit their job and moved in with the parent to provide 24/7 care.

And it is not easy for a child caregiver to put their life on hold to care for someone who is lacking physical abilities in many ways (toileting, feeding, dressing, walking, etc). And they can’t plan ahead since these needs happen at irregular times. Oops, she fell again and can’t get up. This time it means a trip to the ER. . .

I’m not saying that your situation is anything like this, but until you’ve been a caregiver for an elderly person with many needs, it is difficult to comprehend. My siblings and I cared for our dad until he and his wife had to go to assisted living. We had other relatives who also needed care at the same time, and it eventually feels like you loose control of your own life just taking care of others.

Eventually we realized that there were more important things than money. I think you already know that and appreciate your own family unit. Don’t forget to tell them that.

We will all be seniors who need help eventually, unless we die first.
Last edited by celia on Sat Jan 29, 2022 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wricha
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Wricha »

PhoebeCoco wrote: Sat Jan 29, 2022 3:01 pm
Wricha wrote: Sat Jan 29, 2022 2:20 pm People often tend to rank their relationships being some scale of 0-5 (with 0 being no relationship, 2.5 being average and 5 being wonderful). My experience has taught me relationships should be ranked -5 to +5 (-5 being horrible, 0 being no relationship (average) and 5 being wonderful). In this case I would recommend striving for 0 (average) and understand that’s not so bad. Believe it or not if you have no relationship as a reasonable outcome you will get over the money.
Love this! I'm going to remember it. I can think of several relationships in my life this applies to.
Thanks your tag line is much more profound.
Super Hans
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Super Hans »

I'll add my personal experience to the wise counsel that's already been shared. I faced a mini Anna Nicole problem when my dad died unexpectedly. I was dealt a pretty bad hand, but I had a legal right to a small amount. Deeply offended that I was told to go to Hell even with respect to this, I litigated to the extent practical. I'm an experienced lawyer, but the state court fiasco unfolded much like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3VUZYxr0MA

I'd think my position as family was more sympathetic and the law was on my side. I got nothing. And if you're not a lawyer, then your costs are likely to be a lot higher than mine were. I regularly find myself questioning my moves--even though there really was little I could do, and the amount at play was not at all material to me.
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LilyFleur
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by LilyFleur »

stoptothink wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 2:38 pm
aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.
Something similar happened with my (step)grandmother's estate. Actually, it was my grandfather's estate, but when he died everything was left to his wife (who had remarried later in life, after being widowed). My mother's youngest sister (interestingly, my grandfather had adopted her as a pre-teen) all of the sudden became very close to her stepmom (whom she had not ever had a relationship with) when she was put into a home for dementia. Shortly after aunt became executor of the will and then grandma passed a year or two later. My mother and her other 5 siblings had always been reasonably close to their stepmother and were told the estate was split equally 7 ways...in the end my aunt got everything (high 7-figures). She was in her early 40's, her and her husband quit their jobs within weeks and then shortly after bought a McMansion with enough toys to fill the 4-car garage. It would have been life-changing money to my mom and 3 of her 5 other siblings. Needless to say, it completely destroyed the family.
This is exactly why I am helping my children when they are in their 20s and I am willing and able to give. I live a rather modest lifestyle and still work part-time, and this aligns with my values. And yes, I have enough money to take care of myself. I would rather help my children and drive a Honda, than not help them and spend more on myself. (I don't support them, but I helped pay off school loans and have set aside down payment money for a house for each of them.) It's a highly personal decision, but as we age, we become more vulnerable to those who are unscrupulous. This is also why I will not remarry. Their father has remarried, and all of his money goes to the stepmother if he dies first, and then when she dies it is split among his children and her children. I have no confidence that they will inherit anything from their father, so it's on me.
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JoeRetire
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by JoeRetire »

LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:01 pmI have no confidence that they will inherit anything from their father, so it's on me.
It's not on you unless you want it to be. Nobody is owed an inheritance. Give an inheritance because you want to, not because you feel that it is your duty to do so.

Glad to hear you also have enough money to take care of yourself first. It wouldn't make sense to give so much that you end up having to depend on your children financially in the future.

Do you have Long Term Care insurance?
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LilyFleur
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by LilyFleur »

JoeRetire wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:20 pm
LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:01 pmI have no confidence that they will inherit anything from their father, so it's on me.
It's not on you unless you want it to be. Nobody is owed an inheritance. Give an inheritance because you want to, not because you feel that it is your duty to do so.

Glad to hear you also have enough money to take care of yourself first. It wouldn't make sense to give so much that you end up having to depend on your children financially in the future.

Do you have Long Term Care insurance?
I'm self-insured but unlikely to need it. Evidently people with my chronic health condition go downhill rather fast, and if I make it to 80, that will exceed my expectations.
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JoeRetire
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by JoeRetire »

LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:35 pm
JoeRetire wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:20 pm
LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:01 pmI have no confidence that they will inherit anything from their father, so it's on me.
It's not on you unless you want it to be. Nobody is owed an inheritance. Give an inheritance because you want to, not because you feel that it is your duty to do so.

Glad to hear you also have enough money to take care of yourself first. It wouldn't make sense to give so much that you end up having to depend on your children financially in the future.

Do you have Long Term Care insurance?
I'm self-insured but unlikely to need it. Evidently people with my chronic health condition go downhill rather fast, and if I make it to 80, that will exceed my expectations.
I'm not sure I would ever plan on "going downhill fast", given the pace of healthcare improvements these days. But you know your condition.
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gogreen
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by gogreen »

PortAlice wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 10:25 am
As time went on, siblings failed to keep me updated as she fell several more times. When I last visited in person in June of 2019, she was very hostile and angry and seemed obsessed over a relatively minor issue (to me) I'd had with my sister. She was not herself. As it turns out, six months later in January of 2020, she deeded her paid-off house over to my sister and brother. No one bothered to mention this to me. I do believe she was dealing with the onset of dementia and was being guided by my sister who has had issues with me over the years.
So you believe that she changed the will because of dementia. I bet it's close to impossible to prove if you don't have access to her official medical history. Keeping in mind the size of 'piece of pie' ($200k) the only party who can win here is a lawyer. Just my 2c
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LilyFleur
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by LilyFleur »

JoeRetire wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:43 pm
LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:35 pm
JoeRetire wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:20 pm
LilyFleur wrote: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:01 pmI have no confidence that they will inherit anything from their father, so it's on me.
It's not on you unless you want it to be. Nobody is owed an inheritance. Give an inheritance because you want to, not because you feel that it is your duty to do so.

Glad to hear you also have enough money to take care of yourself first. It wouldn't make sense to give so much that you end up having to depend on your children financially in the future.

Do you have Long Term Care insurance?
I'm self-insured but unlikely to need it. Evidently people with my chronic health condition go downhill rather fast, and if I make it to 80, that will exceed my expectations.
I'm not sure I would ever plan on "going downhill fast", given the pace of healthcare improvements these days. But you know your condition.
I'll be OK either way.
av111
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by av111 »

LilyFleur wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 12:17 pm Dementia patients do not do well going to live in an institution. Their homes are what they know, and the dementia worsens in an unfamiliar situation. Yet they are unable to care for their home or themselves. It puts a huge emotional, physical, and financial burden on their loved ones who end up caring for someone they don't recognize anymore.

Please be cognizant that your children are learning from your actions. Someday they will be older, with older parents. A lawsuit against the siblings who took care of your mother might not be the best option, in that respect.
+1. Seen exactly this with my own eyes as the patient felt that they were able to handle their soiled diaper but just could not. No one can appreciate the toll day to day care puts on the caregiver and their family but it is incredibly rewarding psychologically when you are able to take care of someone who you loved even though they are not right in their brain and you know that they will get worse. Some kind of balancing the books. Sorry OP had no chance to do that
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TSR
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by TSR »

PortAlice wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 10:25 am I have enough, I have a great marriage, great kids but the family has been bifurcated ... my sisters kids have gone silent, which is incredibly sad.
I'm really, really sorry for this lousy situation. It sounds as though your sister may be suffering through some mental-health issues in addition to the past resentments you refer to. I quote and highlight the above portion of your original post to suggest that the bolded individuals -- your sister's kids -- may be the stakes you're playing for at this point. You may be able to regain a relationship with them at some point in the future (and I bet they are well aware of some of the challenges their mother is going through), but I'd guess that protracted litigation with their mother won't help your cause.

I agree with others that it may make some sense to get an actual copy of the will. After that I'd probably leave it alone. Be aware that you will probably not ever be able to get over that feeling that you should have done something; but if you actually do something, you probably won't ever get over the feeling that you shouldn't have stirred the pot. It's lose-lose. Not pursuing it probably has the highest chance of losing less money (in the form of an ever-expanding retainer), so that's probably what I'd go with. I'm sorry for your loss.
BillWalters
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by BillWalters »

One common element of these heartbreaking threads is a bad executor or trustee. Once one is appointed, you’re basically out of luck. They’ll almost always drain the estate or trust, either by misappropriating or litigating, before settling.

I wonder if it makes sense for those with the means to fund trusts and appoint a corporate trustee before they start to decline. I’d be inclined to do this and tell my beneficiaries while still healthy.
bradinsky
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by bradinsky »

Super Hans wrote: Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:23 pm I'll add my personal experience to the wise counsel that's already been shared. I faced a mini Anna Nicole problem when my dad died unexpectedly. I was dealt a pretty bad hand, but I had a legal right to a small amount. Deeply offended that I was told to go to Hell even with respect to this, I litigated to the extent practical. I'm an experienced lawyer, but the state court fiasco unfolded much like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3VUZYxr0MA

I'd think my position as family was more sympathetic and the law was on my side. I got nothing. And if you're not a lawyer, then your costs are likely to be a lot higher than mine were. I regularly find myself questioning my moves--even though there really was little I could do, and the amount at play was not at all material to me.
Sorry your experience was a bad one. I have to admit, I LMAO watching that.
bradinsky
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by bradinsky »

bradinsky wrote: Mon Jan 31, 2022 6:25 pm
Super Hans wrote: Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:23 pm I'll add my personal experience to the wise counsel that's already been shared. I faced a mini Anna Nicole problem when my dad died unexpectedly. I was dealt a pretty bad hand, but I had a legal right to a small amount. Deeply offended that I was told to go to Hell even with respect to this, I litigated to the extent practical. I'm an experienced lawyer, but the state court fiasco unfolded much like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3VUZYxr0MA

I'd think my position as family was more sympathetic and the law was on my side. I got nothing. And if you're not a lawyer, then your costs are likely to be a lot higher than mine were. I regularly find myself questioning my moves--even though there really was little I could do, and the amount at play was not at all material to me.
Sorry your experience was a bad one. I have to admit, I LMAO watching that. Thank you for that!
bradinsky
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by bradinsky »

My wife’s parents passed without wills. Her dad first & then her mom 10 years later in 1988. 5 siblings, of which 2 were physicians & 1 who married into serious money. The other 2, my wife & sister were on the poor side. My wife, her sister & I were there for her mom, always. Guess who fought the hardest & groveled in the dirt to get their piece of a verrry modest estate. The answer is the 2 docs. A million a year wasn’t enough for them, because the extra $25K from the estate was going to afford them the ability to send their kids to Ivy League schools. The one who married into money finally changed & sided with her sisters & things were settled. Sadly, the end result was it pretty much destroyed the family relationships. SO PETTY!
Darwin
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Darwin »

fortunefavored wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 11:09 am Been there, done that (an even worse situation since it involved a non-relative.) I am still angry about it but I know years of stress would have been worse.

I'd just let it go. Assuming they were wily enough to retitle the house, I am sure they've also manipulated the will, PODs, etc. The fact you say they feel "justified" implies they have no interest in reconciling, much less giving up any of the money.

The only reason to pursue this would be to punish them for their poor behavior. Basically causing yourself a lot of stress to cause them stress. Even if you find a lawyer who will handle it all without your involvement, it will still be lurking in the back of your mind constantly.

My condolences to the loss of your mother and your siblings. :(
+1
I'd walk away from it. Even though it feels like letting them "get away with it", in the long run it damages you more than them. Anyone with the instinct to connive for money against family doesn't feel guilt. The lawyers take the profit unless the numbers are huge. In my view, it's better to keep your moral high ground than to roll in the mud with jerks. But yeah, it sucks when jerks "win".
No planet, no business. Earth bats last.
Nowizard
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Nowizard »

One simple thing that would give you information is to go the property appraisal site in your mother's area. You could find that the home has been deeded to one or more of your siblings, an estate, etc.

Tim
neverpanic
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by neverpanic »

Updated, notarized wills can disappear, with or without undue influence. Who got to the deceased first? Who knew where the paperwork was? Who had access to the safe deposit box? I will never be able to prove my suspicions of what happened a generation ago let alone 2, but I sleep with a clear conscience and know a better way forward for the family I'm building.
aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.

Conditions always vary and always a good idea to seek a consult. I did learn to always, always, always get everything in writing and unimagined vultures circle when inheritances are involved. Always CYA
"CYA"? I don't mean to sound rude, but given that your grandfather had living children, how would you and your brothers - grandchildren - have had any sort of claim to your grandfather's estate if he designated otherwise? How did you have standing?
humblecoder wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:43 pm My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
I'm glad this eventually worked out. It's not my life and not my business, but I do have a struggle with other people being so openly entitled to someone else's money. With reference to the other poster who asked what constitutes "fair share" of any inheritance, for me, it's compensation for the time and personal expense of dealing with what the deceased did not take care of during their lifetimes, assuming they had the ability and means to do so. If they were infirm for the last 20 years before their death, no such expectation would exist, of course. But as a general rule, zero. I'm "entitled" to nothing someone else earned. And if they inherited, I'm still not entitled without just cause.
I am not a financial professional or guru. I'm a schmuck who got lucky 10 times. Such is the life of the trader.
humblecoder
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by humblecoder »

neverpanic wrote: Tue Feb 01, 2022 4:57 pm
humblecoder wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:43 pm My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
I'm glad this eventually worked out. It's not my life and not my business, but I do have a struggle with other people being so openly entitled to someone else's money. With reference to the other poster who asked what constitutes "fair share" of any inheritance, for me, it's compensation for the time and personal expense of dealing with what the deceased did not take care of during their lifetimes, assuming they had the ability and means to do so. If they were infirm for the last 20 years before their death, no such expectation would exist, of course. But as a general rule, zero. I'm "entitled" to nothing someone else earned. And if they inherited, I'm still not entitled without just cause.
I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist. However, I am thinking that, in some cases, it is less about the money, and more about respect. If one person gets more than another person who is an equivalent relation to the deceased, the person with less starts to question "why did I get less?" Was it because X didn't love me as much as Y? Did the deceased didn't value our relationship as much as I thought? With that could come anger towards the deceased. Of course, the deceased isn't around to explain themselves, so many times that anger turns against the people who got more. The person might think "well, I know that the deceased loved me just as much, so maybe I got less because X coerced the deceased somehow." The person figures that foul play must be the case because the deceased loved them and would NEVER give them what they consider to be a lesser share.

So the fight isn't really about the money, but about the love that the money represents. And perhaps that's where it gets perceived as "entitlement".

The way to combat this is to have an open and honest conversation with your descendants about your will and the reasoning behind in while you are still alive. That way, they don't have to infer your reasoning from beyond the grave.

In my family's case, I have three siblings. Two of them are considerably younger than myself (oldest) and my sister (next oldest). My parent's will was written such that money for my younger sibling's college education and living expenses through age 25 would come "off the top" of my parent's estate. Then any remaining money would be split equally among the four of us. Their thinking was that my sister and I got the benefit of college and room/board prior to graduation, so if that came out of my siblings equal share, it wouldn't be fair.

They sat down with my sister and I and explained this to us. Their fear was that we might perceive this as unfair if they passed away and this arrangement only came to light after they were gone. Honestly, I wouldn't have had any problem with the arrangement even if they didn't explain it to me, because I understand why it makes sense. However, I appreciated the fact that they explained their reasoning to us.

Our estate plan is of a similar ilk in that my daughter is special needs so she might need more money than my "typical" son. So when he is old enough, we will do him the same courtesy of sitting down with him and explaining the reasoning. "While we love you equally, the reality is that your sister needs a greater share so that her needs are met since she cannot earn a living like you can. So don't feel like we love her more just because she is getting more."

Knowing my son, he would have realized this even if we hadn't explained this to him. However, doing this will at least make ME feel better so that I know he understands the reasoning behind this, and he won't have any doubts as to our love when the will is read.

Anyway, that's my perspective on all this. Hopefully people find it helpful.
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typical.investor
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by typical.investor »

PortAlice wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 10:25 am On January 8th of this year, having been tipped off that my mom was in really bad shape and possibly near the end, sedated but delirious, my wife and I drove the 300 miles in an attempt to see my mother before she passed. Instead, while waiting on the front porch, the police arrived (called by my sister) and said I was not going to be granted permission to enter the house. After some civilized discussion, we left. My mom died five days later. So I was denied the chance to hold her hand a last time.
Not having that last chance would be upsetting to me. Why would your sister do that? I'm thinking either you have done something awful or they were just thinking they deserved the money and didn't want you to have any kind of discussion that might bring their arrangements up.

Stop a sibling from seeing a dying parent? Who does that?

If they had a good reason, maybe you don't deserve any money. And if they didn't, they don't deserve any either.
SteadyOne
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by SteadyOne »

Write your siblings a nice letter from behalf of your family thanking them for caring for your mother and wishing them the best. They might expect letter from your lawyer instead and will be stunned by this turn of events. They may want to try to reconcile may be not, depending on what kind of people they really are.

But what is more important is your own kids and your future relationships with you. Kids notice things and being generous and kind parent is the image you want project to your children. It is unlikely that you recover much if you sue anyway but impact on your own family will not be good as it takes years to resolve the case and you will talk about this all the time - not good for mental case.
“Every de­duc­tion is al­lowed as a mat­ter of leg­isla­tive grace.” US Federal Court
nigel_ht
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by nigel_ht »

psteinx wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 11:40 am OP, sorry for your loss.

That said, I'm going to take a perhaps unpopular and unpleasant line.

You're not disclosing all details here - fine. But in relationship disputes like this, folks often disclose the most favorable things (to themselves), in the most favorable ways.

To take a (possibly erroneous) counter position:

You moved 2000 miles away from your family for years. You're not clear to us on how often you called your mom ("regularly"). You last visited her in relatively good health in June 2019 (~2 and a half years ago). You didn't really stay on top of what was going on in her life (admittedly, not helped by your siblings). A fight arose with your sibling(s) that you think is minor but they do not. Your siblings were both alienated from you, and your mother (possibly due to undue influence and/or fading cognitive skills) took their side.

They have apparently stayed close (physically and socially) to your mother. Your mother blacked out and fell in 2015, and has presumably had questionable health since. They've been (I think) physically close. They've probably provided lots of care and support for 6 years. Now, their sibling who doesn't even acknowledge the significance of whatever caused the inter-sibling dispute, parachutes in, is 300 miles away (but still didn't attempt to visit until mom was on her deathbed), and wants a third of the inheritance.

OK, maybe that's overly harsh. And yes, I'm sure it's painful to you in any case. But even though whatever past warmth you may have had towards your siblings has now mostly dissipated, perhaps try to look at it from their eyes (even if you think their vision is "blurry"). Think hard about how far you want to push this.
Meh. As pissed off or self justified as I may ever get I would not deny someone the opportunity to say goodbye to their mother.

Let them enjoy their petty “victory” and let karma do its thing. Most Bogleheads will eventually recover from a $200K loss because we tend to save more than average folks.

Living well is usually the best revenge.
aj44
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by aj44 »

neverpanic wrote: Tue Feb 01, 2022 4:57 pm Updated, notarized wills can disappear, with or without undue influence. Who got to the deceased first? Who knew where the paperwork was? Who had access to the safe deposit box? I will never be able to prove my suspicions of what happened a generation ago let alone 2, but I sleep with a clear conscience and know a better way forward for the family I'm building.
aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.

Conditions always vary and always a good idea to seek a consult. I did learn to always, always, always get everything in writing and unimagined vultures circle when inheritances are involved. Always CYA
"CYA"? I don't mean to sound rude, but given that your grandfather had living children, how would you and your brothers - grandchildren - have had any sort of claim to your grandfather's estate if he designated otherwise? How did you have standing?
humblecoder wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:43 pm My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
I'm glad this eventually worked out. It's not my life and not my business, but I do have a struggle with other people being so openly entitled to someone else's money. With reference to the other poster who asked what constitutes "fair share" of any inheritance, for me, it's compensation for the time and personal expense of dealing with what the deceased did not take care of during their lifetimes, assuming they had the ability and means to do so. If they were infirm for the last 20 years before their death, no such expectation would exist, of course. But as a general rule, zero. I'm "entitled" to nothing someone else earned. And if they inherited, I'm still not entitled without just cause.
Being rude is fine, I prefer direct. I had a relationship with him where if I didn’t have scruples I could have gotten it all for myself. Full stop. I should have gotten involved where it was kept how him and my grandmother meant it before she died and before he couldn’t even put two words together. He essentially had a paper placed under him to scribble on.
Dottie57
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Dottie57 »

stoptothink wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 2:38 pm
aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.
Something similar happened with my (step)grandmother's estate. Actually, it was my grandfather's estate, but when he died everything was left to his wife (who had remarried later in life, after being widowed). My mother's youngest sister (interestingly, my grandfather had adopted her as a pre-teen) all of the sudden became very close to her stepmom (whom she had not ever had a relationship with) when she was put into a home for dementia. Shortly after aunt became executor of the will and then grandma passed a year or two later. My mother and her other 5 siblings had always been reasonably close to their stepmother and were told the estate was split equally 7 ways...in the end my aunt got everything (high 7-figures). She was in her early 40's, her and her husband quit their jobs within weeks and then shortly after bought a McMansion with enough toys to fill the 4-car garage. It would have been life-changing money to my mom and 3 of her 5 other siblings. Needless to say, it completely destroyed the family.
I twnd to hopethere is a special hot place in the after life for people who play games to dishonestly acquire an inheritance.
jes74
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by jes74 »

BillWalters wrote: Mon Jan 31, 2022 5:41 pm One common element of these heartbreaking threads is a bad executor or trustee. Once one is appointed, you’re basically out of luck. They’ll almost always drain the estate or trust, either by misappropriating or litigating, before settling.

I wonder if it makes sense for those with the means to fund trusts and appoint a corporate trustee before they start to decline. I’d be inclined to do this and tell my beneficiaries while still healthy.
Oh there are some good stories around corporate trustees too. My mom (CPA) knew a guy who worked trusts at a local bank. Gave lots of money to charity, boards, etc. Turned out the checks weren't from his accounts -- trusts with excessive flexibility. His university also received lots of donations that he was given full credit for.

Get a copy of the estate file from the county clerk. Will, initial inventory. If they' haven't filed the will, file to be the administrator intestate. That will tell you (and a lawyer) what your chances are. Rest is just speculation. Its unlikely to turn out well -- they had more than enough time to hijack most of the value.
Bloomie25
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Bloomie25 »

neverpanic wrote: Tue Feb 01, 2022 4:57 pm Updated, notarized wills can disappear, with or without undue influence. Who got to the deceased first? Who knew where the paperwork was? Who had access to the safe deposit box? I will never be able to prove my suspicions of what happened a generation ago let alone 2, but I sleep with a clear conscience and know a better way forward for the family I'm building.
aj44 wrote: Fri Jan 28, 2022 1:13 pm My brothers and I were in my grandfathers will for decades at what turned out to be $500k each, $1.5M total. Not long before his death when his mental faculties had declined our mother had us cut out and took all $9M for herself.

Frankly we had a failure of imagination, I didn’t anticipate she would do something like that so I had no copy or either will, and my brothers and I were SOL. I did approach an attorney about the situation but it wasn’t worth the cost and time for a very unlikely overturning of the new will.

Conditions always vary and always a good idea to seek a consult. I did learn to always, always, always get everything in writing and unimagined vultures circle when inheritances are involved. Always CYA
"CYA"? I don't mean to sound rude, but given that your grandfather had living children, how would you and your brothers - grandchildren - have had any sort of claim to your grandfather's estate if he designated otherwise? How did you have standing?
humblecoder wrote: Thu Jan 27, 2022 7:43 pm My father had an aunt who was single with no children. As she got older, my father took it upon himself to help with her care. Although she didn't have dementia, he helped make sure that her bills were paid (he didn't pay himself but he had POA so he could write the checks from her account). He helped to drive her to appointments, since she could drive. On holidays, he would pick her up from her apartment and host her at our house. Etc.

When she passed away, we learned that she had left 40% of her estate to my father and the rest was split among her other nieces/nephews. Each of them got around 10% or so from what I can remember. My father had no idea that my aunt had left him such a large share, but it was obviously in recognition of the care that he had provide to him. However, this did lead to some questions among some of my father's other cousins... Why did he get so much? Did he coerce her into changing her will?

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed among the majority of cousins, as they realized that 1. my father was her caretaker for the last few years of her life so it was certainly not unfair that he would get a larger share, 2. my father doesn't have a deceitful bone in his body, and 3. my aunt's estate was not life changing money (I think the total estate was high five figures) so it wasn't worth fighting about.
I'm glad this eventually worked out. It's not my life and not my business, but I do have a struggle with other people being so openly entitled to someone else's money. With reference to the other poster who asked what constitutes "fair share" of any inheritance, for me, it's compensation for the time and personal expense of dealing with what the deceased did not take care of during their lifetimes, assuming they had the ability and means to do so. If they were infirm for the last 20 years before their death, no such expectation would exist, of course. But as a general rule, zero. I'm "entitled" to nothing someone else earned. And if they inherited, I'm still not entitled without just cause.
I have to say that I’ve never seen an answer I disagreed with more. There’s a special place in heck for those who purposely manipulate mentally incapable people to change their will from what they wanted to leave an heir when they were in their right mind. It’s evil. If someone did it to me I’d fight until there was no estate left and would dedicate my life to seeing the person who manipulated the decedent jailed.
remomnyc
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by remomnyc »

There is nothing more that my mother wants than to be at home, but there is no one willing to care for her there, so she is in a nursing home. Nursing homes cost about $10k per month (add more if dementia and memory care are involved), and none of them are as nice as living in your own home. If someone cared for her in her home or managed her care so she could remain at home for multiple years, I would say thank you and you're welcome to take everything. Don't underestimate the toll of being a caretaker for an elderly person.
stargazerlily03
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by stargazerlily03 »

Money is the root of all evil.

I am of the opinion that the caregiver(s) deserve what they get. I realize you lived out of state. I have seen people who live close in proximity who came around only when there was money to be had. That is not to say you did the same.

My SIl's mother was divorced early in life. She lived with her grandmother and took care of her to the very end. She left her house split amongst 3 of them. The other two did nothing for their mother's welfare or mental well being. SIL's mother had no money and no place to go. The other two were very comfortable monetarily. They sold her house and split with the money. Their families are no longer speaking. Cousins have no cousins. So sad.

My advice to you is to walk away.
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eye.surgeon
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by eye.surgeon »

For $200k I would litigate it. Obviously your family relations with your siblings are unsalvageable so why not. It might cost you half of it in legal fees but still worth it. Inheritance laws aren't based on which sibling did the most for the deceased or which one lived closest. That's irrelevant.
"I would rather be certain of a good return than hopeful of a great one" | Warren Buffett
Gnirk
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Re: Flight or Fight - An Inheritance Issue

Post by Gnirk »

Having been involved with caregiving for my mom, who died from Alzheimer’s after 12 years, I have some serious questions:

The first one is why didn’t you visit your mom regularly when you lived only 300 miles away? That is a one-day drive each way. If I were your mom or your siblings, I’d be very upset with you. In fact, my sibling visited my mom only twice in 8 years, even though she was only a 90-minute drive away. There is a part of me that will probably never forgive him…because I know that during her lucid moments she knew she’d not seen him in a long time and my heart broke for her. My sibling did nothing for her, while I did everything. Sadly, that is just the way it was.

Second, did you regularly, like weekly or bi-weekly, communicate with your mom and your siblings from the time you learned of your mom’s physical and mental health issues?

Third, did you ever offer to help your siblings by coming to stay with your mom to give them some respite from the difficult job of caring for her? Or offer to pay for respite care so they could get a break?

By the way, I am absolutely against anyone manipulating a person of unsound mind to change their will, or sign anything unless they are deemed to know what they are doing. However, that may be difficult for you to prove.

Our mom wanted her estate shared 50-50 between her two children, and as her personal representative I made sure that happened down to the penny. I charged the estate nothing for administering it, even though I could do so legally. Everyone who was familiar with the situation was of the opinion that under the circumstances 50-50 wasn’t fair. But fair is subjective, and honoring our mom’s wishes was of the ultimate importance to me.
And I still have a fairly decent relationship with my sibling, though their actions, or inactions, during our mom’s long and heart-breaking illness has changed my perception of them.

An inheritance is a gift, not a right. I think you should just walk away.
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