Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

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Topic Author
bigbadbuff
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2019 10:35 am

Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

Background info:

Me: mid 40s, Technology, 110k/yr
Spouse: mid 40s, 160k/yr 'part time' in a physician practice
Dependents: 2 young school age kids
Debt: 250k @2.75% mortgage, 14 years remaining
Emergency Funds: 300k
Monthly expenses: 6-7k
Investments: @1m in tax deferred, @1m in taxable (long story but mostly a byproduct of inheritance)
Live in moderate COL area

My spouse has had their enjoyment of the job erode slowly in recent years, and the pandemic/other issues in the practice have brought about a crossroads; the level of stress and anxiety from work has become too much and it's been spilling over into outside-of-work life for a long time. Starting over at another practice is akin to fresh out of residency most of the time, i.e. more hours and less $ and likely little change in actual work/life happiness.

Preference: become SAH parent for an unknown amount of time- probably not forever but no specific horizon to re-enter workforce.

Pros: substantial improvement in family life, and fulfilling a deep desire to be more present in our children's lives during formative years.

Cons: would be leaving a partial ownership practice during peak earning years. Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable. Me losing my job would make things more interesting for a period of time. Would have to tap $ from emergency fund over years to cover monthly expenses gap as my salary alone won't cover (after insurance + continuing to max out 401k/HSA yearly), allowing for deferred and taxable investments to hopefully continue growing.

Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do. We are fortunate that this is even a choice, and I really want to make this happen for my spouse, but the fear of the unknown is palpable and leads to indecision. Obviously this is a joint decision between us but I handle all finances so spouse looks to me to determine what is/is not financially smart & realistic.
BradJ
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Joined: Sun Jan 21, 2018 5:06 pm

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by BradJ »

First and foremost, please do what is best for your family.

Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
KlangFool
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by KlangFool »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am
Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable.
bigbadbuff,

1) What is your Asset Allocation?

2) Cannot answer any other of your question. But, this statement is likely to be false if your annual expense is 7K X 12 = 84K per year. And, at 84K of annual expense with a 250K mortgage, there are a lot of discretionary expenses in your annual expense. You could cut them if you want to.

3) If you disagree, please show us your calculation. I do not see how this could be true.

4) Right now, at your household income of 270K, you are paying a lot of taxes. Your tax burden is very high. Losing the 160K income may not reduce your net take-home income as much as you think.

KlangFool
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gr7070
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by gr7070 »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable.
You'll have that with just the savings you currently have and 10 years of gains. That ignores future contributions. This is not a con.
bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Me losing my job would make things more interesting for a period of time.
There's two highly skilled potential earners in the household you'll be fine if this even ever happens. Plus you have a ridiculous EF.

It's not much of a con, if any.
bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Would have to tap $ from emergency fund over years to cover monthly expenses gap as my salary alone won't cover (after insurance + continuing to max out 401k/HSA yearly), allowing for deferred and taxable investments to hopefully continue growing.
This is a legitimate con, though again, not highly impactful. Even with a decade of SAH you wouldn't eat into the EF much.

I'd work to eliminate the shortfall. At your salary I suspect you could get to a balanced budget in time.
bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do.
If it's what you both want - ignoring the finances - do it.

The finances really don't matter here. You're fine on the retirement.
You're fine under your income alone, likely without having to use some EF.

My wife stayed home for 7 years and part time for a couple more years. Zero regrets from either of us.
delamer
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by delamer »

Has your wife explored the possibility of a 6 month sabbatical or other temporary time off?

Or reducing her hours further in the current partnership?

With both kids in school, what does she imagine her day is going to be like if she stops work permanently? I don’t doubt that her work is very stressful, but she’s contemplating going from one extreme to the other.

(I worked between 28 and 32 hours a week when my kids were young, and found it to be the best of both worlds.)
One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre Dumas, fils
TheNightsToCome
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by TheNightsToCome »

BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
BradJ
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Joined: Sun Jan 21, 2018 5:06 pm

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by BradJ »

TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am
BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Thank you for the insight. I hope all others, no matter if they agree or do not agree (I tend to be wrong on most things) see that my response is for those families deciding on what’s best in terms of staying home and taking care of the kids/family domestic needs.
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LilyFleur
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by LilyFleur »

A vice president at a Fortune 500 told me once that being a SAHP was more difficult than her job at the corporation.
Topic Author
bigbadbuff
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

delamer wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 10:13 am Has your wife explored the possibility of a 6 month sabbatical or other temporary time off?

Or reducing her hours further in the current partnership?

With both kids in school, what does she imagine her day is going to be like if she stops work permanently? I don’t doubt that her work is very stressful, but she’s contemplating going from one extreme to the other.
In more normal times, extended time off/sabbatical would potentially be possible. As is, like a lot of other practices since the pandemic, business finances have been poor and don't allow for this. Spouse is already working just shy of the 'minimum' to remain a partner, and neither of us think it would make any real difference to go down to that minimum. Part of the issue is the dynamics of the practice itself.

I think the real decision is SAH full time starting sometime soon and perhaps do something else later in life (and all the hiring complications that come from not having worked for an extended period of time), or look for something else now that is less stress/less time. The fact it would also be less $ is not a problem.
Mike Scott
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Mike Scott »

There are financial decisions and non-financial decisons to consider. My wife spent about 25 years at home with kids. There were many benefits that we thought were worthwhile and some costs that we decided were worth it. It was not easy but it looks like it's going to work out in the long run. It's something that is a very specific and personal set of choices that you need to work out together. The career specific credentials may make it more complicated.
runner3081
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by runner3081 »

My wife has been at home for 9-years. She works far harder than me.

It was absolutely the right choice for us, even at the massive financial cost (now and when she tries to enter the workforce in a few years).
Volando
Posts: 186
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2021 6:52 pm

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Volando »

You both seem to have done a great job saving. I won’t comment as much on the finance part as others know that better than me. Fwiw during the pandemic my wife and I had to reconsider our employment. We’re both in health fields but we didn’t have anyone to care for the kiddos. So she took time off for almost the last two years, switched back to per diem for a bit and is now back full time making substantially more than before. She absolutely loves her work but and could have gone back after a point but she chose to stay because she was extremely happy to have that time off to spend with the kids. It gave us a new perspective on family life and our priorities and the bonding that happened between her and the kids was worth any time and money we gave up for our future goals. We had to make changes to our lives in terms of saving and spending but I was happy to help her accommodate that and adjust so she could be with them. Of course everyone’s situation is different but just wanted to share because not everything that you stand to gain from this can be measured in dollars. Sacrifices might need to be made in your current plans but if she feels strongly about this it could be worth exploring how you can make it happen.

Also consider that there are many options for flexibility for an experienced physician that could be worth exploring even if it means somewhat lower pay.
delamer
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by delamer »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 1:18 pm
delamer wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 10:13 am Has your wife explored the possibility of a 6 month sabbatical or other temporary time off?

Or reducing her hours further in the current partnership?

With both kids in school, what does she imagine her day is going to be like if she stops work permanently? I don’t doubt that her work is very stressful, but she’s contemplating going from one extreme to the other.
In more normal times, extended time off/sabbatical would potentially be possible. As is, like a lot of other practices since the pandemic, business finances have been poor and don't allow for this. Spouse is already working just shy of the 'minimum' to remain a partner, and neither of us think it would make any real difference to go down to that minimum. Part of the issue is the dynamics of the practice itself.

I think the real decision is SAH full time starting sometime soon and perhaps do something else later in life (and all the hiring complications that come from not having worked for an extended period of time), or look for something else now that is less stress/less time. The fact it would also be less $ is not a problem.
Are they recruiters that specialize in physicians that could help your wife explore her options? That would certainly be worth the effort before leaving the workforce altogether.

Also, this site designed for physicians might be helpful: https://www.whitecoatinvestor.com/

My prejudice is that professionals should keep a connection to the workforce, for a whole variety of reasons. But that’s a family/personal decision.
One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre Dumas, fils
Topic Author
bigbadbuff
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

KlangFool wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:05 am
bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am
Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable.
bigbadbuff,

1) What is your Asset Allocation?

2) Cannot answer any other of your question. But, this statement is likely to be false if your annual expense is 7K X 12 = 84K per year. And, at 84K of annual expense with a 250K mortgage, there are a lot of discretionary expenses in your annual expense. You could cut them if you want to.

3) If you disagree, please show us your calculation. I do not see how this could be true.

4) Right now, at your household income of 270K, you are paying a lot of taxes. Your tax burden is very high. Losing the 160K income may not reduce your net take-home income as much as you think.

KlangFool
AA is skewed due to recent additions, it's around 40% cash, 50% index funds/equities, 10% bonds. I will be changing this closer to Boglehead friendly allocation ASAP.

You are probably right re: being able to reduce further in monthly expenses. It would probably be a good idea to simulate living off 1 income for a few months and see how it feels.
zzxx
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by zzxx »

I am in the exact same situation as you. We've been grappling with the same issues - and I think technology = WFH vs. medicine = go some place, deal with something tough.

We may have found a compromise - physician non-clinical jobs. There seem to be plenty of them, federal state and local governments, drug companies. These have largely transitioned to WFH at least for the foreseeable future (1-2 years) The pay is surprisingly competitive with clinical work, and in many cases higher in the commercial world (drug companies, RSU's).

Of course a lot depends on your wife's specialty - but she should check in with her professional groups to see what the options are. It seems like a good choice for us - but again, only time will tell!
CletusCaddy
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by CletusCaddy »

TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am
BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
sailaway
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by sailaway »

CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm
TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am
BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
CletusCaddy
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by CletusCaddy »

sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:53 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm
TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am
BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
I would be. I don’t see how such an arrangement wouldn’t lead to resentment and divorce in the vast majority of cases.
sailaway
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by sailaway »

CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:55 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:53 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm
TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am
BradJ wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 9:01 am Now, that being said, here is my opinion:
Staying at home is not something one does because they don’t like their job, they do it because they feel “called” to do it. Staying at home is a huge sacrifice that can feel isolating, lonely and make an adult feel lost, so the “calling” to do that will help an individual push past those difficulties. Our family has done both, and I have never found the extra money one gets from a second job worth the stress, but I would never ask my wife to stay home because I know it was not for her. Staying at home is a full time job, and anyone who says it’s boring is either not trying or has never done it. To sum it up: it’s not about the money, job satisfaction…..it’s 100% about if an individual feels called to stay at home.
This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
I would be. I don’t see how such an arrangement wouldn’t lead to resentment and divorce in the vast majority of cases.
I don't even know who is supposed to resent whom in your mind. It is just a different arrangement with different responsibilities. In our case, in addition to making our own arrangements that work for us, since he is younger, he still has the opportunity to retire at an even earlier age than I did.
CletusCaddy
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by CletusCaddy »

sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:03 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:55 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:53 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm
TheNightsToCome wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:42 am

This is idiosyncratic. My wife doesn't work because I earn more than enough to support us both, and she is happy to be home. We don't have kids, and she wasn't "called" to stay home. She is just happier without the stress and demands of employment. She enjoys her early retirement and I am happy that I can provide that for her.
Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
I would be. I don’t see how such an arrangement wouldn’t lead to resentment and divorce in the vast majority of cases.
I don't even know who is supposed to resent whom in your mind. It is just a different arrangement with different responsibilities. In our case, in addition to making our own arrangements that work for us, since he is younger, he still has the opportunity to retire at an even earlier age than I did.
Let me put it this way, if I were 20 years younger and in the dating market, how successful do you think I’d be if I told my prospective partners that my goal in life is for them to support me financially while they worked and I sat at home?

Surprised I even have to spell out how unusual this is.
sailaway
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by sailaway »

CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:07 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:03 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:55 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:53 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm

Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
I would be. I don’t see how such an arrangement wouldn’t lead to resentment and divorce in the vast majority of cases.
I don't even know who is supposed to resent whom in your mind. It is just a different arrangement with different responsibilities. In our case, in addition to making our own arrangements that work for us, since he is younger, he still has the opportunity to retire at an even earlier age than I did.
Let me put it this way, if I were 20 years younger and in the dating market, how successful do you think I’d be if I told my prospective partners that my goal in life is for them to support me financially while they worked?

Surprised I even have to spell out how unusual this is.
What does that have to do with how couples have made their arrangements over time?? I certainly never expected to come to this point, much less made it a goal. If you had told me 20, or even 10 years ago that I would be here it would have sounded miserable to me.

I know a lot of childless couples, or even empty nesters, who chose to retire at different times. Indeed a quick Google search suggests that only one in four couples retire simultaneously.
TheNightsToCome
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by TheNightsToCome »

CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:07 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:03 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:55 pm
sailaway wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:53 pm
CletusCaddy wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 pm

Two able bodied adults, no kids, and one just deciding to sit at home? You are the one being idiosyncratic.
I think you would be surprised.
I would be. I don’t see how such an arrangement wouldn’t lead to resentment and divorce in the vast majority of cases.
I don't even know who is supposed to resent whom in your mind. It is just a different arrangement with different responsibilities. In our case, in addition to making our own arrangements that work for us, since he is younger, he still has the opportunity to retire at an even earlier age than I did.
Let me put it this way, if I were 20 years younger and in the dating market, how successful do you think I’d be if I told my prospective partners that my goal in life is for them to support me financially while they worked and I sat at home?

Surprised I even have to spell out how unusual this is.
When I was dating I never considered the dollar value of my potential life partner. I care about a lot of qualities, but that isn't one of them.

My wife's job was stressful so I suggested she quit. Now she's happier, and I'm happy that I could do that for her. That's because I love her.
WhatsIRR
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Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:52 pm

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by WhatsIRR »

My wife recently left her job to regroup and reset. We have no kids. The roles were a bit reversed I make $200-300k and she made $50-60k. She had grown very unhappy at her job and it was seeping into everything. She is using the break to get some things done around the house and catch up on some neglected projects. We spend about $6k/month so only about 60% of my base ($200k) making the finances less of an immediate concern. If I lose my job we would be in more trouble.

If I’m honest it has been a mixed bag. She has gotten several projects done but several more still linger. She has been able to do all of the chores and shopping during the week so our weekends have been free. It’s nice not having to mow on the weekends but I enjoy some weekend housework and she wants to have time together since she had been working on the house during the week. Some frustration comes from her not seeing the house as an actual job. If she has a bad night sleep or doesn’t feel good instead of toughing through it like a 9-5 she'll take an easy day. It is nice that some of the things that have been low key stresses (cluttered bathroom) have been resolved.

My advice is to have clear expectations for everyone. With kids it’s a different situation than ours but do you expect her to do something 8-5 M-F or are you fine with her watching TV in between chores and taking a more leisurely approach?
pharming2017
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by pharming2017 »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Background info:

Me: mid 40s, Technology, 110k/yr
Spouse: mid 40s, 160k/yr 'part time' in a physician practice
Dependents: 2 young school age kids
Debt: 250k @2.75% mortgage, 14 years remaining
Emergency Funds: 300k
Monthly expenses: 6-7k
Investments: @1m in tax deferred, @1m in taxable (long story but mostly a byproduct of inheritance)
Live in moderate COL area

My spouse has had their enjoyment of the job erode slowly in recent years, and the pandemic/other issues in the practice have brought about a crossroads; the level of stress and anxiety from work has become too much and it's been spilling over into outside-of-work life for a long time. Starting over at another practice is akin to fresh out of residency most of the time, i.e. more hours and less $ and likely little change in actual work/life happiness.

Preference: become SAH parent for an unknown amount of time- probably not forever but no specific horizon to re-enter workforce.

Pros: substantial improvement in family life, and fulfilling a deep desire to be more present in our children's lives during formative years.

Cons: would be leaving a partial ownership practice during peak earning years. Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable. Me losing my job would make things more interesting for a period of time. Would have to tap $ from emergency fund over years to cover monthly expenses gap as my salary alone won't cover (after insurance + continuing to max out 401k/HSA yearly), allowing for deferred and taxable investments to hopefully continue growing.

Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do. We are fortunate that this is even a choice, and I really want to make this happen for my spouse, but the fear of the unknown is palpable and leads to indecision. Obviously this is a joint decision between us but I handle all finances so spouse looks to me to determine what is/is not financially smart & realistic.
My wife is currently out on maternity leave. Her mood has been so much better now that she doesn’t have to deal with work (also healthcare). I actually prefer her not to return when the leave is over. Fortunately, we’re in a position where we aren’t dependent on her income (thanks to bogleheads).

You have over 2m net worth. Try to cut a little on expenses and your spouse can try being SAH to see how they like it. In the grand scheme of things, the extra money isn’t worth it if it puts a strain on relationships outside of work.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by camillus »

You have a portfolio of 2.3 million bucks. Using a 4% annual withdrawal, that could cast off $7700 per month. Meaning, you can sustain your current standard of living indefinitely, almost without working.

Your wife could quit, and you could drop down to 3/4 time. Your family could live of your income of $6900/month, not save any more for retirement, and you'd retire to a higher standard of living than you currently enjoy.

All this to say, you look like you are over-saving. Or, your current standard of living does not match your income potential, time horizon, and portfolio balance. Or, you are sacrificing your partner's current happiness for millions of dollars 10+ years from now.

My wife and I are dealing with this. We have two young kids at home. My wife earns more than me, we worked together to put her through grad school.

It took awhile, but I ended up realizing that I need to approach my wife with radical acceptance. I admit here that I had to work through a lot of my own feelings to get to that point. So far, she has kept up with working, but understands that even if she decides to quit someday on the spot, she can come home and tell me and we'll be okay. We're trying to make it through the pandemic, and we decided to use some of her income to plan a vacay to Disney for our family. She really likes to plan vacations.

I recommend taking your wife out to a fancy dinner, tell her she can do whatever she wants, but if she wants to try to keep working you should at least take $15k of your emergency fund and plan a really high quality family vacation.
Last edited by camillus on Sun Oct 24, 2021 1:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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camillus
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by camillus »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Debt: 250k @2.75% mortgage, 14 years remaining
Emergency Funds: 300k
You could pay off your mortgage and still have what many bogleheads would say is an over-sized emergency fund, especially with $1m in taxable.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by ivgrivchuck »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am
Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do. We are fortunate that this is even a choice, and I really want to make this happen for my spouse, but the fear of the unknown is palpable and leads to indecision. Obviously this is a joint decision between us but I handle all finances so spouse looks to me to determine what is/is not financially smart & realistic.
Financially you are fine. You can afford it. 2M at your age should guarantee a comfortable retirement as long as your asset allocation is something reasonable...

In your shoes I would use that $300k to pay off the mortgage. $50k in cash + 1M in taxable should be good enough emergency fund... And you save the interest, and being debt free is mentally good for most people...
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Cheese »

You are in a unique position to do something unique - have a parent home full time to raise outstanding kids.

If you do this there will be times it feels “unfulfilling” or like you’re “wasting earning potential”. I would argue you’d be doing something far more important and the money (in your instance) no longer matters. After having a spouse at home (and dealing with very similar cons you mentioned) we wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Give it a shot - if you decide your SO hates it, I think with their background they can always go back to work and get another job (even in a different field, consulting etc)

If you’re open to it I have a suggested reading: how will you measure your life by Clayton Christensen (there is a 5 page synopsis out there somewhere).

Best of luck - whatever decision you make will be the right one!
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by MrJedi »

I would do it. My spouse has a technical degree and technical work experience, but we started a family and decided to have her stay home to raise the kids. Obviously we don't sock away as much as a dual income household and only watch as some of our friends buy bigger houses, boats, etc. but those are not the things that give us true happiness like plain old quality time spent with the family. We still have a comfortable middle class lifestyle on our one income and still on track to retire sometime in my 50s, which I think looks similar to your situation.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by delamer »

WhatsIRR wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 10:16 pm My wife recently left her job to regroup and reset. We have no kids. The roles were a bit reversed I make $200-300k and she made $50-60k. She had grown very unhappy at her job and it was seeping into everything. She is using the break to get some things done around the house and catch up on some neglected projects. We spend about $6k/month so only about 60% of my base ($200k) making the finances less of an immediate concern. If I lose my job we would be in more trouble.

If I’m honest it has been a mixed bag. She has gotten several projects done but several more still linger. She has been able to do all of the chores and shopping during the week so our weekends have been free. It’s nice not having to mow on the weekends but I enjoy some weekend housework and she wants to have time together since she had been working on the house during the week. Some frustration comes from her not seeing the house as an actual job. If she has a bad night sleep or doesn’t feel good instead of toughing through it like a 9-5 she'll take an easy day. It is nice that some of the things that have been low key stresses (cluttered bathroom) have been resolved.

My advice is to have clear expectations for everyone. With kids it’s a different situation than ours but do you expect her to do something 8-5 M-F or are you fine with her watching TV in between chores and taking a more leisurely approach?
For a lot of people — and I include myself in that group — having a job that they need to show up for every day (or most days) provides a structure, intellectual challenge, and social outlet that they’d find hard to duplicate on their own.

For stay-at-home mothers (and that’s what virtually everyone here is posting about) with kids who are in school, there a lot of hours to fill each day. And many of them are going to be spend doing mentally stimulating activities like laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep, etc.

Those mindless chores can actually be a nice relief from a stressful job for a couple hours each week but when they are your main diet day-after-day, that’s very different.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by willthrill81 »

Given the choice between foregoing money that you don't really need and greater joy and time with family, I know which one I would choose every time. But only you and your spouse can make that choice for yourselves.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by SnowBog »

Spouse went part time years ago when we had our child join the family. They are very glad they did part time and not complete SAH. They enjoy the ability to have "adult" time, leverage their schooling/abilities they spent years acquiring, etc. During the early years, they actually had a negative income as they earned less than we were paying for childcare for those days. But they were still happy to be working.

What did help them though was to arrange hours to 2-3 consecutive work days with the rest of the time off. When they walk out the door that last day, anything not done needs to be done by someone else or will be waiting when they get back the next week. That greatly reduced their stress (once they learned not to dwell on the things not yet done). It also gives them time to enjoy the SAH aspects the other days. And they are ready to return to work the next week.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by lazynovice »

There are many choices for her between partial ownership of a practice and stay at home parenthood. The majority of physicians are now employed by healthcare systems or insurance companies. This allows them to practice without much of the worry of also running a business. There are also non patient care roles in these organizations usually in utilization review type roles. Not sure how she feels about doing televisits from home, but that is an option too. And of course, there is teaching. With a physician shortage that is only getting worse, she has a lot of market power to find something that is fulfilling.

All that aside, you can afford for her to take some time off. Many times, the knowledge that you CAN quit or that you CAN make less money removes some anxiety. Since the kids are school age, it would be ideal if she could work during the school day and be home for them in the afternoon, saving on the after school care costs.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Ron Ronnerson »

My wife became a stay-at-home parent in 2018, when our kid was 3. We are also in our mid-40s, my income is just about the same as yours ($113k), and our monthly expenses are also $6k-7k.

While we may only be a sample size of one, I have pretty similar numbers to you and, for what it’s worth, things have worked out just fine since we went down to one income. Actually, better than fine. We lead much less hectic lives now, our stress level is low, and we still have plenty left over for savings after meeting our expenses. In your case, having over $2m saved gives you options. We don’t have as much saved as you but I’m expecting a pretty good pension.

Another thing that I think worth mentioning is that your income taxes would dwindle to pretty much nothing. If you max out a 401k, deduct for things like medical/dental insurance from your paycheck, and perhaps put a little something into a tax-advantaged account such as a traditional IRA, HSA, FSA, etc., your adjusted gross income will come down to maybe 80k. Deduct $26k for the standard deduction and apply $6k for the child tax credit and now you won’t owe anything. We only have one child and currently pay $500/year in combined federal and state (California) income taxes.

I also think that your goal of retiring in your mid-50s is still quite achievable due to the size of your portfolio at this point in time. If you can maintain your expenses in the current range, and put aside maybe $20k or so per year into retirement accounts, with $2.3m invested now and $20k added per year, a 4% return would result in $3.7m in 10 years or $4.6m in 15 years. Factor in social security and that your mortgage will be paid off, and you are likely in store for a very comfortable retirement.

By the way, our original plan was for my wife to return back to working when our daughter entered 1st grade, when school is full-day. We passed that point this fall and my wife is continuing to enjoy not working for the time being. If she changes her mind, she can always go back to working. My plan is to work full time until 55 and then go to part-time work for 5 or 6 years. I like my job, though, so am not in any hurry for the time to go by.

Like you, we’re very blessed in that we have the option for my wife to not have to work. Keeping expenses under control has been the key for us. I think you can easily do this. We’ve managed just fine and live in a VHCOL area.

Some of the comments above talk about resentment from having a spouse not working but this can really vary. We have one kid who is in school for much of the day so my wife has a lot of free time now. I have no resentment whatsoever about this set up. My wife worked hard for many years and we’re partners in life. She doesn’t really want to work while I derive a lot of happiness from my job. Now we can both have nice days. What could be better than that?
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by ivgrivchuck »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do. We are fortunate that this is even a choice, and I really want to make this happen for my spouse, but the fear of the unknown is palpable and leads to indecision. Obviously this is a joint decision between us but I handle all finances so spouse looks to me to determine what is/is not financially smart & realistic.
These are highly personal decisions. My wife and I are both in our late 30s, we have five children, she has been a stay-at-home parent since our first child was born (15 years ago). We are both happy with this choice (life is a lot less busy and less stressful, children always have a parent they can talk). Our net worth is less than half compared to what you have, but it has never given us sleepless nights.

But these are highly personal decisions. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another...
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Ependytis
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Ependytis »

OP, you didn’t say whether or not your wife still has debt from medical school or if you live in a high cost area. If you do, these things with tend to lean towards working or at least working part time. As others have mentioned, working for an HMO or a company, she wouldn’t have to worry about the day-to-day business of a private practice.

I’m always surprised when one spouse stays at home, if the other spouse has a high-pressure job. I couldn’t imagine watching my spouse go to work while I stayed at home. Even if the stay at home spouse worked part time, this could offset the cost of retirement. I work full-time, teach part time, and do all the meal prep, cleaning, and yard work. Even with one child, I never thought of the things that need to be done around the house as a full time job. Sure it’s difficult juggling all those balls, but it’s not impossible especially with two people.

A lot of people would say it makes a significant difference on the kids lives If one spouse stays at home. I’ve never seen any consistent data that indicated one way or the other was significantly better.
Last edited by Ependytis on Sun Oct 24, 2021 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by TheDDC »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Pros: substantial improvement in family life, and fulfilling a deep desire to be more present in our children's lives during formative years.
You are mixing up two entirely different things here: a financial decision versus family decision.

If you went down to a $110k income you would be fine. Most survive of half of that. What on earth are you spending the rest on and where do those things fall in your priority list? That’s the financial decision.

My wife has been a SAHM since our first and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We also homeschool, which isn’t for everyone but it works great for us. My advice: Seek out others in your community/work/faith group who already have a parent staying home and get some pointers from them. Parenting is definitely not something you want to outsource on a consistent basis in this world.

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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Trader Joe »

bigbadbuff wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:54 am Background info:

Me: mid 40s, Technology, 110k/yr
Spouse: mid 40s, 160k/yr 'part time' in a physician practice
Dependents: 2 young school age kids
Debt: 250k @2.75% mortgage, 14 years remaining
Emergency Funds: 300k
Monthly expenses: 6-7k
Investments: @1m in tax deferred, @1m in taxable (long story but mostly a byproduct of inheritance)
Live in moderate COL area

My spouse has had their enjoyment of the job erode slowly in recent years, and the pandemic/other issues in the practice have brought about a crossroads; the level of stress and anxiety from work has become too much and it's been spilling over into outside-of-work life for a long time. Starting over at another practice is akin to fresh out of residency most of the time, i.e. more hours and less $ and likely little change in actual work/life happiness.

Preference: become SAH parent for an unknown amount of time- probably not forever but no specific horizon to re-enter workforce.

Pros: substantial improvement in family life, and fulfilling a deep desire to be more present in our children's lives during formative years.

Cons: would be leaving a partial ownership practice during peak earning years. Long term retirement goals- having enough $ to allow me to retire in mid/late 50s becomes more questionable. Me losing my job would make things more interesting for a period of time. Would have to tap $ from emergency fund over years to cover monthly expenses gap as my salary alone won't cover (after insurance + continuing to max out 401k/HSA yearly), allowing for deferred and taxable investments to hopefully continue growing.

Looking for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation and what you chose to do. We are fortunate that this is even a choice, and I really want to make this happen for my spouse, but the fear of the unknown is palpable and leads to indecision. Obviously this is a joint decision between us but I handle all finances so spouse looks to me to determine what is/is not financially smart & realistic.
This is great news for you and for your family. What a wonderful opportunity for you to step up and deliver.

You should support your spouse 100%. You should also maximize your earning potential asap.

This is your chance to really step up and hit the ball out of the park.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by halfnine »

Our family is fairly similar across the board (ages, finances, kid's ages, income potential, etc.). We've run the gamut where both of us have worked, neither of us have worked, and each of us has worked while the other hasn't. There is no right or wrong answer here. However, everyone has a cap on the amount of hours in a week they want to spend with their children over the long term. Everyone does and everyone is different. It is possible that if you work, particularly if you increase your hours now that the spouse is home with kids, you spouse may exceed their cap. It is not necessarily the end of the world it just means that some of the parenting might still need to be outsourced which is often a hard concept to grasp when one parent isn't working. It also means how the household is currently run and how the family organizes it's free time are subject to revision. For us, the person who stays home makes the rules. But, this can be additionally problematic for a SAHD as parenting has a large cultural matriarchal bias that needs to be overcome. Finally, if your spouse is exiting the workforce because they don't enjoy work, well personally I've never found being a SAHP to be easier than office work but I have found it far more rewarding. And to that end what we've personally found is that for the SAHP the days are long but the years are short.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Savermom »

Yes, I always wanted to be a SAHM. I quit my
job even though my husband’s salary was low.

I would rather not spend as much and get to raise my child. I will never get this time back. Also, this set up works better for my family.

You are in an excellent financial position. Also, a second income is taxed a lot more than the first.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

Many more replies than I expected, from varied points of view- thank you all very much!
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

Trader Joe wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 6:52 pm
This is great news for you and for your family. What a wonderful opportunity for you to step up and deliver.

You should support your spouse 100%. You should also maximize your earning potential asap.

This is your chance to really step up and hit the ball out of the park.
I really like my current job so I am somewhat limited at this time in maximizing earning potential. My company is very generous with bonuses most years, which would help tremendously with covering the additional expenses beyond my salary, though I know not to expect this every year.

I am trying to gain enough experience in my current role that a 20-30% increase elsewhere will be very realistic in the coming years. Fingers crossed.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

TheDDC wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 6:36 pm You are mixing up two entirely different things here: a financial decision versus family decision.

If you went down to a $110k income you would be fine. Most survive of half of that. What on earth are you spending the rest on and where do those things fall in your priority list? That’s the financial decision.

My wife has been a SAHM since our first and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We also homeschool, which isn’t for everyone but it works great for us. My advice: Seek out others in your community/work/faith group who already have a parent staying home and get some pointers from them. Parenting is definitely not something you want to outsource on a consistent basis in this world.

-TheDDC
Not mixing up 2 different things- recognizing they are 2 different things and asking people who were in similar situations for advice.
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bigbadbuff
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

Ependytis wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 5:53 pm OP, you didn’t say whether or not your wife still has debt from medical school or if you live in a high cost area. If you do, these things with tend to lean towards working or at least working part time. As others have mentioned, working for an HMO or a company, she wouldn’t have to worry about the day-to-day business of a private practice.

I’m always surprised when one spouse stays at home, if the other spouse has a high-pressure job. I couldn’t imagine watching my spouse go to work while I stayed at home. Even if the stay at home spouse worked part time, this could offset the cost of retirement. I work full-time, teach part time, and do all the meal prep, cleaning, and yard work. Even with one child, I never thought of the things that need to be done around the house as a full time job. Sure it’s difficult juggling all those balls, but it’s not impossible especially with two people.

A lot of people would say it makes a significant difference on the kids lives If one spouse stays at home. I’ve never seen any consistent data that indicated one way or the other was significantly better.
No med school debt, and moderate COL area.

We will definitely be looking into non-clinical possibilities, appreciate all the tips there. I agree that keeping some 'skin in the game' related to the field is a good idea, but I don't think it has to be immediate and can happen at a not-urgent pace.

I don't consider my job high stress most days, though it certainly has its moments. I am thankful that I get to spend quality time with my kids every day.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by bigbadbuff »

Ron Ronnerson wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 12:59 pm My wife became a stay-at-home parent in 2018, when our kid was 3. We are also in our mid-40s, my income is just about the same as yours ($113k), and our monthly expenses are also $6k-7k.

While we may only be a sample size of one, I have pretty similar numbers to you and, for what it’s worth, things have worked out just fine since we went down to one income. Actually, better than fine. We lead much less hectic lives now, our stress level is low, and we still have plenty left over for savings after meeting our expenses. In your case, having over $2m saved gives you options. We don’t have as much saved as you but I’m expecting a pretty good pension.

Another thing that I think worth mentioning is that your income taxes would dwindle to pretty much nothing. If you max out a 401k, deduct for things like medical/dental insurance from your paycheck, and perhaps put a little something into a tax-advantaged account such as a traditional IRA, HSA, FSA, etc., your adjusted gross income will come down to maybe 80k. Deduct $26k for the standard deduction and apply $6k for the child tax credit and now you won’t owe anything. We only have one child and currently pay $500/year in combined federal and state (California) income taxes.

I also think that your goal of retiring in your mid-50s is still quite achievable due to the size of your portfolio at this point in time. If you can maintain your expenses in the current range, and put aside maybe $20k or so per year into retirement accounts, with $2.3m invested now and $20k added per year, a 4% return would result in $3.7m in 10 years or $4.6m in 15 years. Factor in social security and that your mortgage will be paid off, and you are likely in store for a very comfortable retirement.

By the way, our original plan was for my wife to return back to working when our daughter entered 1st grade, when school is full-day. We passed that point this fall and my wife is continuing to enjoy not working for the time being. If she changes her mind, she can always go back to working. My plan is to work full time until 55 and then go to part-time work for 5 or 6 years. I like my job, though, so am not in any hurry for the time to go by.

Like you, we’re very blessed in that we have the option for my wife to not have to work. Keeping expenses under control has been the key for us. I think you can easily do this. We’ve managed just fine and live in a VHCOL area.

Some of the comments above talk about resentment from having a spouse not working but this can really vary. We have one kid who is in school for much of the day so my wife has a lot of free time now. I have no resentment whatsoever about this set up. My wife worked hard for many years and we’re partners in life. She doesn’t really want to work while I derive a lot of happiness from my job. Now we can both have nice days. What could be better than that?
Very helpful, thank you. I think I have simply overestimated what it would take to reach the level of financial stability/'comfort' to have me retire in my mid-50s, so pretty wonderful to spend some time this weekend looking harder at that and feeling better about it.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by MP46 »

if in her place I would cont working 1day/week. If physicians leave clinical medicine for more than a year or so its VERY hard or impossible to get back in. You may even need to do the re-entry program, expensive and very painful, get asked questions you should not have to answer. Now, if she works just 8h/week for 20 years and then decided to go back full time NO one will ask her "how many days/week do you work", she will be very employable and its the standard for mom physicians to either work full time or part time ie 1day/week so it would not be unusual. Again, i would not stop clinical medicine due to issues of getting back into the field unless I was 100 percent sure I never again want to do it.
Craig2020
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by Craig2020 »

Thanks for posting your family's situation. For what it is worth, I have been in your spouse's shoes. I left clinical medicine about 6 years ago. Only bring this up because there are more options than just working in clinical practice Vs not working. Depending on specialty and interest there are many non-clinical jobs that provide fulfillment, pay better, and involve fewer work hours (and less stress). Just thought I would bring up another option. Yes, being out of practice a while limits the ability to jump back into practice. Though, it is not impossible (good friend of mine made an easy transition back after 4 years out). If your spouse wants to chat about this stuff, message me privately and we can dialogue.
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Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by stoptothink »

Ependytis wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 5:53 pmI’m always surprised when one spouse stays at home, if the other spouse has a high-pressure job. I couldn’t imagine watching my spouse go to work while I stayed at home. Even if the stay at home spouse worked part time, this could offset the cost of retirement. I work full-time, teach part time, and do all the meal prep, cleaning, and yard work. Even with one child, I never thought of the things that need to be done around the house as a full time job. Sure it’s difficult juggling all those balls, but it’s not impossible especially with two people.
Can't believe you haven't gotten major pushback yet. Every time I mention that I have a large corp. upper management job, that is now primarily WFH, and have been the primary caretaker for our kids (now 9 and 6) for going on 6yrs, other posters call me a liar. My wife worked and went to school full-time for 4yrs then stepped up to a much more demanding job (with quite a bit of travel) so I've handled 95% of the household duties since my son was 4 weeks old. It's difficult, but far from impossible and far from "full-time". Maybe my kids and our household demands are just easier than everybody else's?

It's great if families choose to have one parent stay home (it was originally our plan, but wife quickly realized SAHP was not for her), but my experience is that it certainly isn't impossible for both to work, even if one job is demanding. For us it isn't even about the money, we could live off less than half of either of our incomes, but my wife thrives with a career challenge and it hasn't seemed to negatively impact our household.
jbmitt
Posts: 657
Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:00 am

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by jbmitt »

There’s a Facebook group for Dad’s Married to Doctors that might be helpful as you navigate the medicine piece of the equation.

There was some debate in the thread that I mostly skipped over, but I took 2+ years off of employment prior to children while my wife worked. It didn’t cause issues and allowed me to focus on some other goals. Admittedly, DW’s income allowed for me to do it.

The flexibility was nice in the later stages of my wife’s pregnancy and then following the birth of our daughter. I returned to work once we got her established at daycare. I still expect to take another long pause in employment for the birth of our second child.

I have no regrets that we’re able to be present for our children in lieu of punching a time clock.
delamer
Posts: 17348
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:13 pm

Re: Struggling with spouse SAH vs. different job/career decision

Post by delamer »

jbmitt wrote: Mon Oct 25, 2021 9:55 am There’s a Facebook group for Dad’s Married to Doctors that might be helpful as you navigate the medicine piece of the equation.

There was some debate in the thread that I mostly skipped over, but I took 2+ years off of employment prior to children while my wife worked. It didn’t cause issues and allowed me to focus on some other goals. Admittedly, DW’s income allowed for me to do it.

The flexibility was nice in the later stages of my wife’s pregnancy and then following the birth of our daughter. I returned to work once we got her established at daycare. I still expect to take another long pause in employment for the birth of our second child.

I have no regrets that we’re able to be present for our children in lieu of punching a time clock.
It’s a website too: https://www.dadsmarriedtodoctors.com/
One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre Dumas, fils
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