I've lost my motivation

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jbreittling
Posts: 161
Joined: Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:48 pm

I've lost my motivation

Post by jbreittling »

This past year+ has really taken a toll on my mental and physical health.

I have a fairly stressful job in IT where I support clients in three different time zones. The work is chaos at best and the pressure to always be available is unrelenting. I'm a contractor, so my pay is good but no benefits.

My mother has Alzheimer's Dementia (she'll be 82 this week) and my older brother is in poor health and requires quite a bit of help. I'm his source of help. My brother and I have been splitting duties trying to keep mom in her home - she's sound mind enough to know she doesn't want to go to a nursing home (we tried, and she cried for 9 days straight, asking why we were punishing her/sending her away to die). It was too much - we couldn't take the guilt so we brought her back to her home. So now we do what we can to find care for her while we both work our FT jobs - and we care for her at night and weekends and when the week day help is unavailable, I pack up my laptop and work from her house after getting her up in the morning, dressed, fed, and situated (then later lunch, bathroom visits, etc). We are not a wealthy family by any stretch so we can't afford to pay for more than 8hrs of care/day (and it's a family friend, so we are getting a pretty steep discount when compared to professional services).

I've found that I've completely lost my motivation for not only work, but for really any activity that requires effort. What I'd like to do is leave my current gig and find a low-stress government job with good benefits. I'm fine with taking a cut in pay. I want less responsibility and a routine schedule with routine work.

Has anyone transitioned later in life from the private sector to a government job? If you have, could you share some tips on where to start a search and if you have any lessons learned or tips that may be helpful?
gogreen
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by gogreen »

Sorry to hear that!
Two notes from my side - dementia is tough so you'll HAVE to send her to nursing home another day :(
Second - it might take years to get a gov job because of crazy sloppiness in recruiting process :annoyed
delamer
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by delamer »

Start with the federal government’s jobsite: https://www.usajobs.gov/

A lot of government IT is contracted out, although certainly not all. And many contractors work alongside civil service staff and work the same hours. But it varies widely.

You are in a tough situation. Sorry to put any additional burden on you, but your mother is going to continue to deteriorate. At some point it probably won’t be feasible to keep her at home without round-the-clock care.
One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre Dumas, fils
Topic Author
jbreittling
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by jbreittling »

To gogreen and delamer - Thank you. My brother and I both realize that sooner or later (likely sooner) we'll need to move mom into a nursing home, but we are trying to get to the point where, sadly, she won't necessarily know that we're doing so. That may not be realistic, but that's what we are aiming for at this point.

I've tried usajobs.gov and found a ton of 'Special Agent' openings which I know I won't qualify for. I was hoping to find something as simple as data entry or answering phones - you know, log on at 8, log off at 4pm and turn off work. IT work doesn't sound appealing any longer.
delamer
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by delamer »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:50 am To gogreen and delamer - Thank you. My brother and I both realize that sooner or later (likely sooner) we'll need to move mom into a nursing home, but we are trying to get to the point where, sadly, she won't necessarily know that we're doing so. That may not be realistic, but that's what we are aiming for at this point.

I've tried usajobs.gov and found a ton of 'Special Agent' openings which I know I won't qualify for. I was hoping to find something as simple as data entry or answering phones - you know, log on at 8, log off at 4pm and turn off work. IT work doesn't sound appealing any longer.
A lot of entry level federal government jobs go to former military service members due to veterans’ preference.
One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre Dumas, fils
GmanJeff
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by GmanJeff »

While it can be unpleasant and stressful to deal with demented parents who cannot recognize or appreciate the significance of their increasing disabilities, conceding to their unreasonable preferences and demands with regard to their living environment is ultimately self-defeating. Their needs will increase while your capacity to engage in caregiving is finite and will diminish as your own stress levels increase.

You may find it helpful to participate in a caregiving support group where others can share their lessons learned in caring for their loved ones, and where you may come to appreciate that self-care is essential. That often means handing over some, many, most, or virtually all caregiving to others, even over your mother's objections. Your highest priorities are undoubtedly her health and safety; it may not be possible to reconcile those with her current notions of what makes her happy, as difficult as it is to accept that her unhappiness is the price for the best care she can have, which may not be possible to provide at home as the dementia progresses and her needs increase.

This is not a situation which will get better if you change employment. You'll just be spending more of your time engaged in differently stressful activity - caregiving rather than working towards client or employer requirements. And, if you exchange your current role for one which is less well compensated, your options for paid assistance for your mother, in your home or in a facility, will narrow as your ability to pay on her behalf is reduced.
Last edited by GmanJeff on Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
GmanJeff
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by GmanJeff »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:50 am To gogreen and delamer - Thank you. My brother and I both realize that sooner or later (likely sooner) we'll need to move mom into a nursing home, but we are trying to get to the point where, sadly, she won't necessarily know that we're doing so. That may not be realistic, but that's what we are aiming for at this point.

I've tried usajobs.gov and found a ton of 'Special Agent' openings which I know I won't qualify for. I was hoping to find something as simple as data entry or answering phones - you know, log on at 8, log off at 4pm and turn off work. IT work doesn't sound appealing any longer.
Special Agent roles are generally law enforcement jobs, although some federal agencies confer that title on non-Series 1811 criminal investigators without arrest powers. Such positions are most assuredly not what you're looking for in your situation - the hours can be unpredictable, stress can be high, and you may be subject to periodic transfers to new duty stations.

https://www.opm.gov/policy-data-oversig ... ries-1811/
duffyinvestor
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by duffyinvestor »

That sounds very difficult. It also sounds like situational depression (I'm not a dr.). I would see your doctor, therapist, someone to discuss these issues.

Also, I'm in IT and there are plenty of low-ish stress private sector IT jobs. I'm been making 6 figures for well over a decade and rarely work more than 40 hours (can't remember the last time actually). I also keep saying no to "step up" jobs, a little more income means nothing to me for the stress it would incur (and have a negative effect on my health). Perfectly happy being an individual contributor.
DebiT
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by DebiT »

GmanJeff wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:06 am While it can be unpleasant and stressful to deal with demented parents who cannot recognize or appreciate the significance of their increasing disabilities, conceding to their unreasonable preferences and demands with regard to their living environment is ultimately self-defeating. Their needs will increase while your capacity to engage in caregiving is finite and will diminish as your own stress levels increase.

You may find it helpful to participate in a caregiving support group where others can share their lessons learned in caring for their loved ones, and where you may come to appreciate that self-care is essential. That often means handing over some, many, most, or virtually all caregiving to others, even over your mother's objections. Your highest priorities are undoubtedly her health and safety; it may not be possible to reconcile those with her current notions of what makes her happy, as difficult as it is to accept that her unhappiness is the price for the best care she can have, which may not be possible to provide at home as the dementia progresses and her needs increase.

This is not a situation which will get better if you change employment. You'll just be spending more of your time engaged in differently stressful activity - caregiving rather than working towards client or employer requirements. And, if you exchange your current role for one which is less well compensated, your options for paid assistance for your mother, in your home or in a facility, will narrow as your ability to pay on her behalf is reduced.
I strongly second this. A support group, even an online one (perhaps that is even better) is crucial, even though you probably don’t feel you have time or energy for it. Learning about local resources is important. And, getting support for the hard decisions you will be having to make as well. Remember, you need the oxygen mask first, in order to help her.
Age 66, life turned upside down 3/2/19, thanking God for what I've learned from this group. AA 40/60 for now, possibly changing at age 70.
Golf maniac
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Golf maniac »

There are IT jobs in federal banking regulators (think Federal Reserve, OCC, FDIC). The IT employees look at bank systems and processes. All have good benefits and less stress. Some in certain locations have minimal travel required. It really depends on your current location if anything with minimal travel is available.
rjbraun
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by rjbraun »

DebiT wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:29 am
GmanJeff wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:06 am While it can be unpleasant and stressful to deal with demented parents who cannot recognize or appreciate the significance of their increasing disabilities, conceding to their unreasonable preferences and demands with regard to their living environment is ultimately self-defeating. Their needs will increase while your capacity to engage in caregiving is finite and will diminish as your own stress levels increase.

You may find it helpful to participate in a caregiving support group where others can share their lessons learned in caring for their loved ones, and where you may come to appreciate that self-care is essential. That often means handing over some, many, most, or virtually all caregiving to others, even over your mother's objections. Your highest priorities are undoubtedly her health and safety; it may not be possible to reconcile those with her current notions of what makes her happy, as difficult as it is to accept that her unhappiness is the price for the best care she can have, which may not be possible to provide at home as the dementia progresses and her needs increase.

This is not a situation which will get better if you change employment. You'll just be spending more of your time engaged in differently stressful activity - caregiving rather than working towards client or employer requirements. And, if you exchange your current role for one which is less well compensated, your options for paid assistance for your mother, in your home or in a facility, will narrow as your ability to pay on her behalf is reduced.
I strongly second this. A support group, even an online one (perhaps that is even better) is crucial, even though you probably don’t feel you have time or energy for it. Learning about local resources is important. And, getting support for the hard decisions you will be having to make as well. Remember, you need the oxygen mask first, in order to help her.
+1 regarding trying to find a support group. The Alzheimer's Association provides 24/7 (I believe) phone support / access, I have found them helpful in the past (having been a caregiver myself for a relative with dementia). The association also organizes support groups, all of which I assume are virtual now. Personally, I have benefitted from the phone support as well as participation in the support groups. I think I did the one for adult caregivers (in case that is still an option).

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving

https://www.alz.org/local_resources/fin ... al_chapter

Best wishes to OP.

Edit: fixed typos / grammar, added a bit more info
Last edited by rjbraun on Tue Jul 27, 2021 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
namajones
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by namajones »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:39 am This past year+ has really taken a toll on my mental and physical health.

I've found that I've completely lost my motivation for not only work, but for really any activity that requires effort.

What I'd like to do is leave my current gig and find a low-stress government job with good benefits. I'm fine with taking a cut in pay. I want less responsibility and a routine schedule with routine work.
You're not alone. I said early on in this pandemic that many of us are going to come out the other side with some form of PTSD. Try to find some comfort in knowing that your feelings--and exhaustion--are shared by many. Go easy on yourself.

About the "low-stress government job": These terms do not necessarily belong together. I work in govt now, and I worked in industry before, and there's really very little difference in terms of stress, quality of colleagues, or workload. There is a difference in job security, once you're past the probationary period.
rjbraun
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by rjbraun »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:39 am
Has anyone transitioned later in life from the private sector to a government job? If you have, could you share some tips on where to start a search and if you have any lessons learned or tips that may be helpful?
I have transitioned from private to public. In addition to the suggestions already posted for federal positions, there may be opportunities at the state and municipal level near you as well. I guess the opportunity I found would be classified as via "networking". (I was speaking with my college alumni career office, which had been contacted by someone at my now agency who was having trouble finding job candidates with particular skills / experience). In addition to potentially contacting your school, trade groups or other professional organizations you know might provide comparable leads.

Job search is tough (I say this from experience). I think the conventional wisdom is to spend x% amount of time replying to online postings, y% networking, z% something else (sorry, I no longer recall and the percentages and techniques have probably all changed now). Anyway, my point is to try to have multiple irons in the fire and try a variety of approaches. It's hard to know which one(s) will result in a job, but eventually you should find something and hopefully it will be close to what you want. Good luck!
Big Jim24
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Big Jim24 »

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

We are in the process of moving my 90 year old mother from a residential facility where she's been for 2 1/2 years, to a memory care facility. About 8 years ago, I decided to leave private practice as an attorney and take a job for the state of CA as an attorney. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I took a pay cut that lasted for about 5 years before my salary came close to what it was in the private sector, but the benefits are much better. What can't be measured accurately is how much it has freed up not just my hours but my mind. Every weekend in private practice, I was either in the office or doing mental gymnastics to justify not going into the office. That nonsense is over for me. I dreaded the feeling that would come over me as Sunday afternoon dragged on when I wasn't in the office. And if I was on the office on the weekend, I was resentful. I worked one weekend in the last 8 years, as I was getting all of my work done before a vacation. My back is not all in knots anymore, and it freed me up to take care of family obligations with my kids and my mom. That move was such a blessing. If you can do it, pull the trigger. You won't have as much $ in the short term at least, but the tradeoff has been worth it for me, and then some.
Jeepergeo
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Jeepergeo »

You have a lot on your shoulders, maybe too much.

It is imperative that you make taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and financially your top priority. Only when you are in good shape mentally/physically/financially will you be able to continue to do all you can do.

At some point, your mom will likely need to go into a facility that has the resources to deal with the dementia...her mental state will likely lead to resistance...the folks at the facility will know how to deal with that.

IMHO, it has to be you first, your mom second, and possibly your brother third. Any other order might collapse too soon.

Change jobs? You might want to get the priorities straight in your mind before you make that change...being the new person somewhere is likely not such a great idea when you have so much going on. Maybe try to get a reduction where you are at...seems doable since you are contract....
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JoeRetire
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by JoeRetire »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:39 am This past year+ has really taken a toll on my mental and physical health.

I've found that I've completely lost my motivation for not only work, but for really any activity that requires effort.
Seek help from a mental health professional.
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jbreittling
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by jbreittling »

There have been some really thoughtful and helpful responses today. Thank you all for taking the time to read about my situation and offer your insight and suggestions. I've been doing some reading today (thank you to the poster who shared links to the Alzheimer's sites) and it has opened my eyes to some very obvious things I think I've been suppressing & neglecting for a long time.

I think some have rightfully called out that I'm probably in some type of depression right now. I normally have energy to do things after work and on weekends when not caring for mom. The fact I no longer have the same interests I used to have is a red flag. I barely eat a normal meal and have no interest in even going to the grocery store. Yikes.

As for mom, she's definitely between the middle and late stages of the disease. She becomes agitated easily, no longer can dress or bathe herself, although she has no problem scarfing down whatever meals we prepare for her! But we see it - even over the past month - her declining health. She's a farm girl, so she may actually outlive both myself and my brother for all we know. And I think that's one of the hardest things - the not knowing what's going to happen next.

To those who are cautioning about looking for a new job considering the current circumstances. You're right - now is not the right time. I am trusted in my current position and have a ton of flexibility about where I work (home or at my mom's) and when I work as long as I get the work done. This is flexibility I likely wouldn't find very easily, if at all, in a new role.

Regarding self-care, I wish I could figure that part out. I'm actually just relieved when 7pm comes because that means mom is in bed, safe from another day of the disease, and I have a few hours to decompress before repeating the process the following day.

And to the poster who shared that my priorities need to be me, then mom, then my brother - you're right and I try to prioritize accordingly but some days are more challenging than others.

Thanks again everyone. Your wise and thoughtful responses have helped clear some of the fog I've been feeling...now I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope and trust that this is all happening for a reason that I will likely never understand while here on this green and blue rock we call Earth.

Godspeed to you all.
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MortgageOnBlack
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by MortgageOnBlack »

Sorry to hear about the situations outside your job and I applaud you for giving it your all for your family. You are great person.
As far as your job, I can relate as I work in IT (Managed Services). I have been grateful to be 100% remote since March of last year (except for on-site appointments with clients), but IT Support is really a thankless position that runs a toll on you. To be honest, if I lose remote work and have to transition to having to commute 45 minutes each way might be the final push I need to hop ship to something else. I get it and I sometimes wish I can transition to more a "project" based role, but I really enjoy not playing the mind games of being an employee of a larger organization (we are a small company).

I'm not sure about your location/pay/age, but at my age (late 30's) I feel like I'm too far into it to switch fields and start over. I also did try the government job route and did not have any luck due to my non-veteran experience (a big regret in my life).

Getting it all out on a public forum is good therapy and you can find some good feedback that might give you the spark to run with a new idea. Outside of IT, do you have any other interest that you can turn into a career?
TheHouse7
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by TheHouse7 »

You are not alone. I have been through 3 years of what you're experiencing. I will pray for you. This will pass. My experience led me to "check out" of my FT job. My managers were aware of my situation and we're very forthcoming and flexible with benefits and leave paid or unpaid.

I wish your family and you the best, even if that is just a decent night's sleep. :|
"PSX will always go up 20%, why invest in anything else?!" -Father-in-law early retired.
Bagels
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Bagels »

rjbraun wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 12:32 pm Best wishes to OP.
+1
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Watty
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Watty »

jbreittling wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:39 am We are not a wealthy family by any stretch so we can't afford to pay for more than 8hrs of care/day (and it's a family friend, so we are getting a pretty steep discount when compared to professional services).
It sounds like your mom has a house.

If so tapping the home equity to pay for her care could be a very reasonable choice.
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Tubes
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Tubes »

I think having to work multiple time zones is difficult. Add dementia care, and it is another level of difficulty.

OP, I could talk hours on this. But I won't babble beyond what others have said. Take care.

( I curse our 24/7 all time zones culture. It is just wrong.
It is torture for those who work it. )
notPatience
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by notPatience »

Also realize that you are grieving at many levels, including the loss of the person your mother was and that you can't stop or change what's happening to her. That permeates everything. It's an ongoing, emotionally exhausting sorrow. Of course you've lost your motivation.

A wonderful, wonderful caregiver told me that she felt bad for the families because we see what's lost, while she could see the person as they were at that moment. After that, I tried my damnedest to focus on Mom as she was that moment.

At times, she would ask why couldn't she go home with me. I would tell her that I was so, so sorry, but I didn't have the skills to give her what she needed. It never made her happy, but it satisfied her, because she still wanted to take care of me, didn't want to be the source of my feeling bad.

If you can tap into what matters to your mom (beyond staying in the house), that might ease a transition to a memory care facility. Bring bedding, lamps, pictures, etc., from home to give her anchors in the new space. Talk to the staff about her -- and your -- concerns. Give them background so they can connect to your mom as a person. There were family support sessions that were helpful. Get to know the other residents, talk to them, drawing your mom in, too. Those social connections can really help.

There was another resident who used to cry when her family was there, asking them to take her home, but was sunny and a social butterfly when they were not there. Again, talk to the staff. Where Mom was, none were bad, many were great, and a few were miraculous. Cultivate all of them. Let them know they are appreciated and you're all working for that same goal.

My mother never got to the point of not knowing that she'd lost so many abilities. That was heart-breaking. At times she'd forget she'd been married to dad for 70+ years before his death. (Perhaps a defense against sorrow?) Then out of the blue she'd refer to a food and say, "That was your father's favorite." Enjoy those moments to the fullest. Laugh with her about them. That was always my goal -- to make her laugh at least once each visit.

And by making her laugh, I laughed, too. A lifeline amid the sorrow.

Many good thoughts for you, your mom, and your brother.
rjbraun
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by rjbraun »

notPatience wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 12:35 pm Also realize that you are grieving at many levels, including the loss of the person your mother was and that you can't stop or change what's happening to her. That permeates everything. It's an ongoing, emotionally exhausting sorrow. Of course you've lost your motivation.

A wonderful, wonderful caregiver told me that she felt bad for the families because we see what's lost, while she could see the person as they were at that moment. After that, I tried my damnedest to focus on Mom as she was that moment.

At times, she would ask why couldn't she go home with me. I would tell her that I was so, so sorry, but I didn't have the skills to give her what she needed. It never made her happy, but it satisfied her, because she still wanted to take care of me, didn't want to be the source of my feeling bad.

If you can tap into what matters to your mom (beyond staying in the house), that might ease a transition to a memory care facility. Bring bedding, lamps, pictures, etc., from home to give her anchors in the new space. Talk to the staff about her -- and your -- concerns. Give them background so they can connect to your mom as a person. There were family support sessions that were helpful. Get to know the other residents, talk to them, drawing your mom in, too. Those social connections can really help.

There was another resident who used to cry when her family was there, asking them to take her home, but was sunny and a social butterfly when they were not there. Again, talk to the staff. Where Mom was, none were bad, many were great, and a few were miraculous. Cultivate all of them. Let them know they are appreciated and you're all working for that same goal.

My mother never got to the point of not knowing that she'd lost so many abilities. That was heart-breaking. At times she'd forget she'd been married to dad for 70+ years before his death. (Perhaps a defense against sorrow?) Then out of the blue she'd refer to a food and say, "That was your father's favorite." Enjoy those moments to the fullest. Laugh with her about them. That was always my goal -- to make her laugh at least once each visit.

And by making her laugh, I laughed, too. A lifeline amid the sorrow.

Many good thoughts for you, your mom, and your brother.
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing - and for providing reminders of so many important things to bear in mind.
hi_there
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by hi_there »

For what it's worth, we moved my grandma to a senior living facility when she was no longer able to live alone. This was after a failed attempt to move her into one of her children's houses. Like OP's grandma, she suffered from dementia, but not Alzheimer's related, and was extremely upset for a few months - she accused everyone of tricking her and so on. However, she did eventually get used to the new place and was fine afterwards. So, from this experience, yes, it is difficult to deal with change-resistant old people, especially when their ability to think rationally has deteriorated, but in our case, we did get her to settle down after a lot of patience and effort.
Sam_957
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Sam_957 »

Sounds like a bad year, and the work stress certainly doesn’t help.

When you are ready to search see this site if it hasn’t been mentioned: https://www.governmentjobs.com/

Lots of people retiring where I work from a hiring boom around y2k. HR is backlogged after covid hiring freeze, so we are short staffed. Please apply :)
My other vehicle is an index fund.
Colorado14
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Colorado14 »

Bagels wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 5:01 pm
rjbraun wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 12:32 pm Best wishes to OP.
+1
+1

Job stability is likely ideal given all of the other stressors in your life. Don't make any significant life changes when you are experiencing this much stress. Sending you support and strength.
Katietsu
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Katietsu »

I agree with much of what has already been said. But, I am going to add a different perspective to one aspect of it. I think it is OK to not have the energy to want to do things after work or on weekends for a time. And there were times that I got pretty good at putting together somewhat decent food choices from Dollar General because going to the grocery store seemed lower an overwhelming task. Please to not think that I am suggesting that you just accept this and make no attempt to move forward. But I do think that sometimes our current society does not recognize that we can go through periods where just addressing the basics of life for a little while is enough.

Continue to educate yourself about care options and your mother’s disease. Work through each day. The answer may become more clear on its own.

I know situations where the family made sure someone was at the care facility for a meal at least once a day. There can be an opportunity for more quality interactions when the basic needs are being met by a professional staff.
bighatnohorse
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by bighatnohorse »

duffyinvestor wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:24 am That sounds very difficult. It also sounds like situational depression (I'm not a dr.). I would see your doctor, therapist, someone to discuss these issues.
Depression was my first thought too. Do a google search for signs of depression. A little help to get through (or after) tough times may be necessary. Primary care doc is a good starting point - it should not be a big deal.
maroon
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Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by maroon »

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Last edited by maroon on Sun Dec 19, 2021 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ShadowHusky
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2021 10:10 am

Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by ShadowHusky »

re: the losing motivation aspect - I would recommend trying out therapy. I faced a similar situation in the past and put it off for a long time not recognizing that I needed some help. Going to therapy has personally helped me more than I ever thought it would.
Wannaretireearly
Posts: 4880
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2010 4:39 pm

Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Wannaretireearly »

Take care OP. A few thoughts on the job front.

- take a company or state leave to look after your mom. If available, why not.
- look to change jobs. IT and Tech market is hot. There are some easier companies and roles. Sometimes more fun too!
“At some point you are trading time you will never get back for money you will never spend.“ | “How do you want to spend the best remaining year of your life?“
tomsense76
Posts: 1428
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:52 am

Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by tomsense76 »

rjbraun wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 12:32 pm
DebiT wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:29 am
GmanJeff wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:06 am While it can be unpleasant and stressful to deal with demented parents who cannot recognize or appreciate the significance of their increasing disabilities, conceding to their unreasonable preferences and demands with regard to their living environment is ultimately self-defeating. Their needs will increase while your capacity to engage in caregiving is finite and will diminish as your own stress levels increase.

You may find it helpful to participate in a caregiving support group where others can share their lessons learned in caring for their loved ones, and where you may come to appreciate that self-care is essential. That often means handing over some, many, most, or virtually all caregiving to others, even over your mother's objections. Your highest priorities are undoubtedly her health and safety; it may not be possible to reconcile those with her current notions of what makes her happy, as difficult as it is to accept that her unhappiness is the price for the best care she can have, which may not be possible to provide at home as the dementia progresses and her needs increase.

This is not a situation which will get better if you change employment. You'll just be spending more of your time engaged in differently stressful activity - caregiving rather than working towards client or employer requirements. And, if you exchange your current role for one which is less well compensated, your options for paid assistance for your mother, in your home or in a facility, will narrow as your ability to pay on her behalf is reduced.
I strongly second this. A support group, even an online one (perhaps that is even better) is crucial, even though you probably don’t feel you have time or energy for it. Learning about local resources is important. And, getting support for the hard decisions you will be having to make as well. Remember, you need the oxygen mask first, in order to help her.
+1 regarding trying to find a support group. The Alzheimer's Association provides 24/7 (I believe) phone support / access, I have found them helpful in the past (having been a caregiver myself for a relative with dementia). The association also organizes support groups, all of which I assume are virtual now. Personally, I have benefitted from the phone support as well as participation in the support groups. I think I did the one for adult caregivers (in case that is still an option).

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving

https://www.alz.org/local_resources/fin ... al_chapter

Best wishes to OP.

Edit: fixed typos / grammar, added a bit more info
+100

Sorry you are going through this OP. This sounds really tough <3

I think there are a few things the support group will give you:

1. Other people who can relate to what you are going through
2. A support network (which may be the most important thing in the near term)
3. May be able to provide ideas about how they have handled certain issues you are running into
4. That birds eye view that you may not have while going through the day-to-day
5. Connections for help you handle next steps (whatever that might be)

Would suggest meeting with a group. Coming up with a plan with your brother and you. Taking as much time off as your job will allow. Then executing on that plan and sticking to it (which may be quite hard).

I'd hold off on the job search until things have stabilized a bit at home. Right now it sounds like you've been working two jobs (or more) and it will be hard to make a good decision (and I mean this in the best way possible) until you have some more clarity to think about what you want.

On a more specific note, does your mom has LTC insurance? She may not. Though am asking this as it sounds like there are at least 2 qualifying conditions that would active that sort of plan (namely not being able to dress or bath herself). If she does have this sort of plan, that would allow you to hire help, which may already be the breath of fresh air that you are looking for.
"Anyone who claims to understand quantum theory is either lying or crazy" -- Richard Feynman
Escapevelocity
Posts: 1145
Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2019 7:32 am

Re: I've lost my motivation

Post by Escapevelocity »

notPatience wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 12:35 pm Also realize that you are grieving at many levels, including the loss of the person your mother was and that you can't stop or change what's happening to her. That permeates everything. It's an ongoing, emotionally exhausting sorrow. Of course you've lost your motivation.

A wonderful, wonderful caregiver told me that she felt bad for the families because we see what's lost, while she could see the person as they were at that moment. After that, I tried my damnedest to focus on Mom as she was that moment.

At times, she would ask why couldn't she go home with me. I would tell her that I was so, so sorry, but I didn't have the skills to give her what she needed. It never made her happy, but it satisfied her, because she still wanted to take care of me, didn't want to be the source of my feeling bad.

If you can tap into what matters to your mom (beyond staying in the house), that might ease a transition to a memory care facility. Bring bedding, lamps, pictures, etc., from home to give her anchors in the new space. Talk to the staff about her -- and your -- concerns. Give them background so they can connect to your mom as a person. There were family support sessions that were helpful. Get to know the other residents, talk to them, drawing your mom in, too. Those social connections can really help.

There was another resident who used to cry when her family was there, asking them to take her home, but was sunny and a social butterfly when they were not there. Again, talk to the staff. Where Mom was, none were bad, many were great, and a few were miraculous. Cultivate all of them. Let them know they are appreciated and you're all working for that same goal.

My mother never got to the point of not knowing that she'd lost so many abilities. That was heart-breaking. At times she'd forget she'd been married to dad for 70+ years before his death. (Perhaps a defense against sorrow?) Then out of the blue she'd refer to a food and say, "That was your father's favorite." Enjoy those moments to the fullest. Laugh with her about them. That was always my goal -- to make her laugh at least once each visit.

And by making her laugh, I laughed, too. A lifeline amid the sorrow.

Many good thoughts for you, your mom, and your brother.
Beautiful post. I lost my Mom to dementia two years ago and can relate to a lot of what you wrote.
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