Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I don't know what it is, but the more successful I've become the worse I feel about it all. It also happens to be when I'm in my mid-40s so I don't know if it's a midlife crisis. 7 years ago I started almost from zero net worth... I made a lot of stupid financial decisions so pretty much went sideways until that point. Since then my income has nearly tripled. Yet the more successful I've become the more worried I get. You'd think that the financial cushion would make you feel more secure... no, it's done the opposite. Now I have higher and higher benchmarks that I need to meet and it's becoming ever more stressful. With each new high comes the worry that last year was an extraordinary year and I'll never be able to match it.
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
-
- Posts: 5978
- Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2016 3:22 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
No advice, I am the same way, but don't absolutely dread my job - though most days, I still don't like it
-
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2007 10:36 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Life is tough but you don't have to do it alone. Find a good therapist or life coach, and don't think of it as an expense instead think of it as an investment.
-
- Posts: 1134
- Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2019 10:52 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Set a more reasonable retirement age for yourself (e.g., 55) and set your savings high enough to make that possible with some cushion. Then be present and enjoy life now and spend time and money with your family, knowing that you have a path to secure retirement at 55. Obsessing to retire at 48 will make you miserable.uthendo wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm I don't know what it is, but the more successful I've become the worse I feel about it all. It also happens to be when I'm in my mid-40s so I don't know if it's a midlife crisis. 7 years ago I started almost from zero net worth... I made a lot of stupid financial decisions so pretty much went sideways until that point. Since then my income has nearly tripled. Yet the more successful I've become the more worried I get. You'd think that the financial cushion would make you feel more secure... no, it's done the opposite. Now I have higher and higher benchmarks that I need to meet and it's becoming ever more stressful. With each new high comes the worry that last year was an extraordinary year and I'll never be able to match it.
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
An important key to investing is having a well-calibrated sense of your future regret.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I recommend reading HOW NOT TO HAVE TO DRY THE DISHES by Shel Silverstein. It's an eight-line poem for children.
What happens if you don't meet the higher and higher benchmarks? They're getting higher because you keep meeting them.
If you've reached a point where you can't handle them getting higher, and you'd rather have them lower, then you know what to do.
Either you say something or you learn how not to have to dry the dishes.
It's only your stress if you take it on.
Changing jobs or walking away is a temporary solution unless you figure out how to deal with this situation.
What happens if you don't meet the higher and higher benchmarks? They're getting higher because you keep meeting them.
If you've reached a point where you can't handle them getting higher, and you'd rather have them lower, then you know what to do.
Either you say something or you learn how not to have to dry the dishes.
It's only your stress if you take it on.
Changing jobs or walking away is a temporary solution unless you figure out how to deal with this situation.
"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." ~Ursula LeGuin
- whodidntante
- Posts: 13087
- Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2016 10:11 pm
- Location: outside the echo chamber
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I'm in a great spot right now. If the music stops, so be it. I spend plenty on experiences and things I enjoy now. The old, frail version of me really won't mind.
I wouldn't enjoy wasting money, however. Is there something you would like to spend money on?
I wouldn't enjoy wasting money, however. Is there something you would like to spend money on?
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Very similar!
For me, it was the combination of realizing that I'm replaceable at work and that I'm not ready to be replaced. That jump started a major shift / focus on savings, with the clear goal of being financially independent before I was unemployed.
Then I realized I was only a few years away from reaching my FI goal, and so now the focus is on "finish the job". And realizing that I'm so close was probably the thing that unknowingly added the most stress. Victory just out of reach...
What's helped me:
For me, this was "what if I lose my high paying job and can't find a similar replacement". Which I simplified down to "what is the minimum I need to save annually to retire on our schedule". When I worked the math, I realized that we'll be fine... We are far enough along at this point, we don't need much more and the power of compounding is going to do its magic. That leaves lots of options, even making much less of needed.
Realize that I won't go from 100 mph to 0 overnight
If I'm so afraid to spend it now, that's not going to change overnight when we retire. So we need to find balance now, learn to spend and learn to enjoy life.
This also goes for balancing work and life. I need to be willing to prioritize my time and time for my family over my work.
Set a reasonable budget
As the saying goes "we can afford anything, just not everything". We use Mint, and have setup a high level monthly budget. Ideally, each category stays within budget, but it's often some are over some are under. Within that budget, I try not to micromanage the money. If it's costs $15 more for delivery than take-out (which itself is more than cooking), that's OK some times.
Give myself permission to say "yes" (or "no")
None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so don't delay enjoying life. And if you have kids, teaching them balance is a great life lesson.
That might be yes to the occasional fast food. That might be yes to an occasional luxury.
That definitely should be yes to quality time and experiences with the family. Like maybe commit to the next time you exceed your savings goal, any excess for the year is set aside for the "family fun budget". (Or if that's too much, start with 30% of all excess.) Take the family on a trip they'll remember, and be sure you are present with them (meaning say no to work while there).
For me, it was the combination of realizing that I'm replaceable at work and that I'm not ready to be replaced. That jump started a major shift / focus on savings, with the clear goal of being financially independent before I was unemployed.
Then I realized I was only a few years away from reaching my FI goal, and so now the focus is on "finish the job". And realizing that I'm so close was probably the thing that unknowingly added the most stress. Victory just out of reach...
What's helped me:
- Figure out realistic "worst case"
- Realize that I won't go from 100 mph to 0 overnight
- Set a reasonable budget
- Give myself permission to say "yes" (or "no")
For me, this was "what if I lose my high paying job and can't find a similar replacement". Which I simplified down to "what is the minimum I need to save annually to retire on our schedule". When I worked the math, I realized that we'll be fine... We are far enough along at this point, we don't need much more and the power of compounding is going to do its magic. That leaves lots of options, even making much less of needed.
Realize that I won't go from 100 mph to 0 overnight
If I'm so afraid to spend it now, that's not going to change overnight when we retire. So we need to find balance now, learn to spend and learn to enjoy life.
This also goes for balancing work and life. I need to be willing to prioritize my time and time for my family over my work.
Set a reasonable budget
As the saying goes "we can afford anything, just not everything". We use Mint, and have setup a high level monthly budget. Ideally, each category stays within budget, but it's often some are over some are under. Within that budget, I try not to micromanage the money. If it's costs $15 more for delivery than take-out (which itself is more than cooking), that's OK some times.
Give myself permission to say "yes" (or "no")
None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so don't delay enjoying life. And if you have kids, teaching them balance is a great life lesson.
That might be yes to the occasional fast food. That might be yes to an occasional luxury.
That definitely should be yes to quality time and experiences with the family. Like maybe commit to the next time you exceed your savings goal, any excess for the year is set aside for the "family fun budget". (Or if that's too much, start with 30% of all excess.) Take the family on a trip they'll remember, and be sure you are present with them (meaning say no to work while there).
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I love this!Beensabu wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:51 pm I recommend reading HOW NOT TO HAVE TO DRY THE DISHES by Shel Silverstein. It's an eight-line poem for children.
What happens if you don't meet the higher and higher benchmarks? They're getting higher because you keep meeting them.
If you've reached a point where you can't handle them getting higher, and you'd rather have them lower, then you know what to do.
Either you say something or you learn how not to have to dry the dishes.
It's only your stress if you take it on.
Changing jobs or walking away is a temporary solution unless you figure out how to deal with this situation.
So very true!
I was stressed at my job.
Why?
Because I kept drying the dishes...
The stress was my own creation.
So somehow I have to decide not to carry more stress than I want...
-
- Posts: 2032
- Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2020 2:23 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I could have been the author of this post just a couple years ago. I don’t know exactly what changed, maybe I become more comfortable with my success, especially as I saw others struggle to do what I do consistently from a professional perspective. Maybe I’ve realized I’m able to give my kids opportunity and advantages I didn’t have. Maybe I just no longer care and would happily accept the 6-figure check that it would cost for my employer to let me go.
Also, and I do think this has been personally very important, I spend more now than I have at any point. Lots of the spending is experience based activity with my family.
I should also point out I’m saving far more than I even made in year not that long ago. So the spending isn’t reckless, it’s probably very proportional to most but in absolute $ it’s higher than I would have ever predic
I still put in a lot of hours. Endure lots of stress. Expect I’ll be retired by 55, although I don’t have a vision of sitting around rather trading time for a wage working in a recreational field, something like a golf course, ski resort, mountain bike park.
Also, and I do think this has been personally very important, I spend more now than I have at any point. Lots of the spending is experience based activity with my family.
I should also point out I’m saving far more than I even made in year not that long ago. So the spending isn’t reckless, it’s probably very proportional to most but in absolute $ it’s higher than I would have ever predic
I still put in a lot of hours. Endure lots of stress. Expect I’ll be retired by 55, although I don’t have a vision of sitting around rather trading time for a wage working in a recreational field, something like a golf course, ski resort, mountain bike park.
- Sandtrap
- Posts: 19582
- Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:32 pm
- Location: Hawaii No Ka Oi - white sandy beaches, N. Arizona 1 mile high.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Some Thoughts and Actionable Ideas:
Read
Softcover
ReRead
Repeat
1. Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw
2. Life Strategy by Dr. Phil McGraw
3. As A Man Thinketh by James Allen
4. Acres of Diamonds by R. Conwell
5. Richest Man in Babylon by Clason
6. Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino
Read all of the above in the morning and before bed/sleep until they all have dog ears, yellow and marker lines, and slips of paper in the pages and the spines are ready to break. Should take a year. Then repeat each year.
Keep a journal,. Just for yourself. Write in it every night. Make a list of goals at the beginning of the year (any 12 month), for financial, family, Personal (a must), etc. Each month, evaluate then adjust, Keep doing this every month, then every year make new and adjust old goals. DId you achieve them?
LIfe is dynamic and of constant change and evolution of "Self". Sometimes paying attention to "feelings" is good, sometimes "useless and destructive" if too much importance is on something so transient as is a modern thing for many now. "Feelings".
For now, let's get proactive and not fixate on discomfort and feelings.
Redefine your goals, adjust, make new ones, throw old non sensible ones away. Make a plan, like a financial plan, but a self/life plan. Then. . . get to it. If you have time to dwell on discomforts, then get to it harder without distraction.
What? Success as a family person, business person, financially, and in self awareness and growth.
Take a traditional old fashioned Karate or Aikido class and be a beginner again, that feeling. Commit long term.
Take Tai Chi and QiQong classes and resolve to continue group practice (for motivation) for a lifetime.
Part of things is also complacency. In the above point of view, there's a lot to do and no time to be complacent or feel in the doldrums. That's a luxury. Stress is a luxury setting the bar higher for self improvement, inner strength, and self realization. Just get going in the areas of weakness, self, external, and internal.
Money and finances are only 1 external manifestation of your efforts. There's more. What are they?
So. For example: make an action plan just as you would a long term financial strategy IPS Statement. But, goals for Self, goals for family, goals for spouse and other relationships, and so forth.
Result: (the goal) Balance. Synergy. Harmony. Peace.
The solution is in goals, planning, and action. (not more thinking and dwelling)
pm me as you wish
j
dis laimer: zillions of paths and opinonions on zillions of things.
Read
Softcover
ReRead
Repeat
1. Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw
2. Life Strategy by Dr. Phil McGraw
3. As A Man Thinketh by James Allen
4. Acres of Diamonds by R. Conwell
5. Richest Man in Babylon by Clason
6. Greatest Salesman In The World by Og Mandino
Read all of the above in the morning and before bed/sleep until they all have dog ears, yellow and marker lines, and slips of paper in the pages and the spines are ready to break. Should take a year. Then repeat each year.
Keep a journal,. Just for yourself. Write in it every night. Make a list of goals at the beginning of the year (any 12 month), for financial, family, Personal (a must), etc. Each month, evaluate then adjust, Keep doing this every month, then every year make new and adjust old goals. DId you achieve them?
LIfe is dynamic and of constant change and evolution of "Self". Sometimes paying attention to "feelings" is good, sometimes "useless and destructive" if too much importance is on something so transient as is a modern thing for many now. "Feelings".
For now, let's get proactive and not fixate on discomfort and feelings.
Redefine your goals, adjust, make new ones, throw old non sensible ones away. Make a plan, like a financial plan, but a self/life plan. Then. . . get to it. If you have time to dwell on discomforts, then get to it harder without distraction.
What? Success as a family person, business person, financially, and in self awareness and growth.
Take a traditional old fashioned Karate or Aikido class and be a beginner again, that feeling. Commit long term.
Take Tai Chi and QiQong classes and resolve to continue group practice (for motivation) for a lifetime.
Part of things is also complacency. In the above point of view, there's a lot to do and no time to be complacent or feel in the doldrums. That's a luxury. Stress is a luxury setting the bar higher for self improvement, inner strength, and self realization. Just get going in the areas of weakness, self, external, and internal.
Money and finances are only 1 external manifestation of your efforts. There's more. What are they?
So. For example: make an action plan just as you would a long term financial strategy IPS Statement. But, goals for Self, goals for family, goals for spouse and other relationships, and so forth.
Result: (the goal) Balance. Synergy. Harmony. Peace.
The solution is in goals, planning, and action. (not more thinking and dwelling)
pm me as you wish
j
dis laimer: zillions of paths and opinonions on zillions of things.
Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.
Last edited by Sandtrap on Tue Oct 19, 2021 8:20 am, edited 4 times in total.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I have realized for myself (age 48) that few things actually matter in life...family being foremost among them. Talk to your wife and see what she thinks...and you might encourage her not to be subtle (I often need a 2x4 across the head to hear what my own wife is really telling me).
Savings has always been a priority and while we are in decent shape, the worry is always present (I also realized I am unable to run away from myself). I have also made some conscious choices about the "race" I am running and I accept the trade-offs...such as likely working a bit longer, but also being a bit happier.
Best wishes.
Savings has always been a priority and while we are in decent shape, the worry is always present (I also realized I am unable to run away from myself). I have also made some conscious choices about the "race" I am running and I accept the trade-offs...such as likely working a bit longer, but also being a bit happier.
Best wishes.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I’ve been through the midlife thing and it’s no joke. It wasn’t easy. Not everyone gets through it.uthendo wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm I don't know what it is, but the more successful I've become the worse I feel about it all. It also happens to be when I'm in my mid-40s so I don't know if it's a midlife crisis. 7 years ago I started almost from zero net worth... I made a lot of stupid financial decisions so pretty much went sideways until that point. Since then my income has nearly tripled. Yet the more successful I've become the more worried I get. You'd think that the financial cushion would make you feel more secure... no, it's done the opposite. Now I have higher and higher benchmarks that I need to meet and it's becoming ever more stressful. With each new high comes the worry that last year was an extraordinary year and I'll never be able to match it.
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
Do your loved ones perceive you in the way you perceive yourself, i.e. penny-pinching and all that. Perhaps go out of the way to lavish gifts, nothing extravagant. It’s appreciated, and they usually understand the real meaning. Strengthening bonds with those around you, often with small gestures, can be mutually rewarding. I say this, still not being that good at it myself
-
- Posts: 4846
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2010 4:39 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Sounds like you need fresh perspective. I try to leave my hcol bubble area, to really appreciate what I have.uthendo wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm I don't know what it is, but the more successful I've become the worse I feel about it all. It also happens to be when I'm in my mid-40s so I don't know if it's a midlife crisis. 7 years ago I started almost from zero net worth... I made a lot of stupid financial decisions so pretty much went sideways until that point. Since then my income has nearly tripled. Yet the more successful I've become the more worried I get. You'd think that the financial cushion would make you feel more secure... no, it's done the opposite. Now I have higher and higher benchmarks that I need to meet and it's becoming ever more stressful. With each new high comes the worry that last year was an extraordinary year and I'll never be able to match it.
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
Try to volunteer somewhere, help someone really needy.
Or just get out to the beach and clear your head.
Now think about the worst possible news you could receive tomorrow. Brain tumor, friend suddenly died at age 45, something else tragic. How do you feel now?
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is you control your emotions and how you feel each morning. You control your attitude.
You have a choice in how to feel and act. Try to lighten up and aim to make others around you happier & smile more. You’ll see it works wonders on your own attitude.
I pretty much speak my mind to my team and boss now. It’s very refreshing. I don’t hold back and genuinely want to have a good conversation/debate, even on frosty topics.
Btw, I don’t think lack of spending is your core issue. It’s the undue stress at work you need to address imo.
“At some point you are trading time you will never get back for money you will never spend.“ |
“How do you want to spend the best remaining year of your life?“
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I don’t mean this tone flippant or rude, but “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
If you are grinding nonstop without finding enjoyable respite activities (that cost money), you are burning yourself out and making yourself miserable. Even a great job will be considered awful without a break from the grind.
Get better balance in your work/life equation. Stop thinking of retirement and start thinking of living an enjoyed life.
Good luck.
If you are grinding nonstop without finding enjoyable respite activities (that cost money), you are burning yourself out and making yourself miserable. Even a great job will be considered awful without a break from the grind.
Get better balance in your work/life equation. Stop thinking of retirement and start thinking of living an enjoyed life.
Good luck.
-
- Posts: 2135
- Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:46 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I stopped focusing on every dollar, set an automatic savings target (percentage) that gets me where I need to be early/mid 50s, then let the rest flow freely. I say yes as often as I think is possible and make a serious effort to spend/give the rest. It takes effort to spend but it's a heck of a lot of fun compared to stressing about each nickel.
Also try and enjoy the journey keeping in mind how small every day is in the grand scheme of the history of time. We are ALL replaceable and it will be over in less than a moment. The only thing not fleeting is the emotion and relationship we conjure every interaction. Spend your life maximizing those interactions and success will be automatic.
Also try and enjoy the journey keeping in mind how small every day is in the grand scheme of the history of time. We are ALL replaceable and it will be over in less than a moment. The only thing not fleeting is the emotion and relationship we conjure every interaction. Spend your life maximizing those interactions and success will be automatic.
I hold index funds because I do not overestimate my ability to pick stocks OR stock pickers.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I can relate to both the imposter feeling and the dread. I've been to many therapists over the years who have helped me immensely on these. The dread that you're experiencing is a red flag in particular and you are worth getting to the root of it. My experience won't necessarily translate into a solution for you other than to say that the beat decision I ever made was to go to counseling. I've found that that's where the understanding and relief are.
-
- Posts: 2533
- Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:26 am
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Midlife.
This is a time for you when the clash between who you thought you were comes into question.
When your mental stars do no align.
You will not get through it in a day. It is a process. You will question yourself, over and over. With no clear answer.
A struggle. See it that way and realize it IS that way. That is part of the battle, the realization that it is a struggle. Realize, you ain’t the first either. So don’t wallow.
Read a few of the books listed by others. At least to get your mind out of the round and round way you are probably thinking. Stuck in the same thought process.
There will not be clarity for you, it will be like dawn. Is it light, is it day, or still night? Are my headlights on? And then sometime in your future you will have arrived to somewhere else. Maybe someone else.
Don’t be tormented. Be active in the path forward.
Think about those who do not have the options you have, who never will. You are a fortunate son.
The baton is in your hands.
This is a time for you when the clash between who you thought you were comes into question.
When your mental stars do no align.
You will not get through it in a day. It is a process. You will question yourself, over and over. With no clear answer.
A struggle. See it that way and realize it IS that way. That is part of the battle, the realization that it is a struggle. Realize, you ain’t the first either. So don’t wallow.
Read a few of the books listed by others. At least to get your mind out of the round and round way you are probably thinking. Stuck in the same thought process.
There will not be clarity for you, it will be like dawn. Is it light, is it day, or still night? Are my headlights on? And then sometime in your future you will have arrived to somewhere else. Maybe someone else.
Don’t be tormented. Be active in the path forward.
Think about those who do not have the options you have, who never will. You are a fortunate son.
The baton is in your hands.
- Sandtrap
- Posts: 19582
- Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:32 pm
- Location: Hawaii No Ka Oi - white sandy beaches, N. Arizona 1 mile high.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Great points.Shallowpockets wrote: ↑Tue Oct 19, 2021 7:14 am Midlife.
This is a time for you when the clash between who you thought you were comes into question.
When your mental stars do no align.
You will not get through it in a day. It is a process. You will question yourself, over and over. With no clear answer.
A struggle. See it that way and realize it IS that way. That is part of the battle, the realization that it is a struggle. Realize, you ain’t the first either. So don’t wallow.
Read a few of the books listed by others. At least to get your mind out of the round and round way you are probably thinking. Stuck in the same thought process.
There will not be clarity for you, it will be like dawn. Is it light, is it day, or still night? Are my headlights on? And then sometime in your future you will have arrived to somewhere else. Maybe someone else.
Don’t be tormented. Be active in the path forward.
Think about those who do not have the options you have, who never will. You are a fortunate son.
The baton is in your hands.
Well said.
j
-
- Posts: 15368
- Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:53 am
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Same, except my job is fantastic...for a job. We could easily coast FIRE right now, in fact my wife has semi-jokingly said I should just retire now (at 40) because we can easily live off 1/3 of her income. I've always been this way, I gain almost no joy out of spending money on things outside of basic survival. I'm just focusing on finding my identity and joy completely outside of work.runner3081 wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:26 pm No advice, I am the same way, but don't absolutely dread my job - though most days, I still don't like it
-
- Posts: 3125
- Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2019 8:52 am
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
It took not one Porsche, but three, for me to make it through my 40s. I was a hard study, to say the least.
Now I’m 50 driving a Wrangler with roll-up windows, retired, and I’ve never been happier. I guess I can say I’m one of the rare people who’ve owned a Boxster, Cayman and 911. Lol
This too shall pass.
Now I’m 50 driving a Wrangler with roll-up windows, retired, and I’ve never been happier. I guess I can say I’m one of the rare people who’ve owned a Boxster, Cayman and 911. Lol
This too shall pass.
Being wrong compounds forever.
-
- Posts: 1418
- Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 8:18 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Like others, was in the same situation for years. Especially "never liked my job, and building dread" and "realizing you're replaceable" and "goal almost within reach."
It is a nasty combination with no easy answer. Walking away from all that money is dumb, especially if you (objectively) know you will never be that fortunate again (and if you're not good being objective, a 3rd party is a good idea.)
Some good suggestions in this thread too - especially checking with your family/spouse on if they feel ok with your spending levels. My spouse was ok with it - we spent (more than I would) on vacations, etc. Personally I never really enjoyed vacations, but my spouse did, so that was good!
I'd also add you should be doing some HARD exercise regularly. That helps a lot with stress, sleeping, etc. Running, cycling, rowing.. something like that.
(I quit my job in my late 40s after reaching FI. But the last 5 years were awful.)
It is a nasty combination with no easy answer. Walking away from all that money is dumb, especially if you (objectively) know you will never be that fortunate again (and if you're not good being objective, a 3rd party is a good idea.)
Some good suggestions in this thread too - especially checking with your family/spouse on if they feel ok with your spending levels. My spouse was ok with it - we spent (more than I would) on vacations, etc. Personally I never really enjoyed vacations, but my spouse did, so that was good!
I'd also add you should be doing some HARD exercise regularly. That helps a lot with stress, sleeping, etc. Running, cycling, rowing.. something like that.
(I quit my job in my late 40s after reaching FI. But the last 5 years were awful.)
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
First thing you have to do is get up to 30,000 feet and look at the whole landscape of your life, look at the big picture. What do you like? What do you not like? Make adjustments. This is also a good time to stir it up and break the routine. Go to Asia or Europe on a vacation with the family. A friend of mine once said it's good to move residences every 5-10 years to shake things up.
Are you getting outside and getting some exercise everyday? An hour outside either walking, running or biking can clear the mind, and bring some balance internally. As Sandtrap suggested, try taking a marshal arts course to challenge yourself. In addition to his suggestions, maybe a Tai Chi, Qi Gong or meditation course. There are many approaches for bringing balance into your life and triggering a reset so you can proceed with peace of mind and contentment.
Dave
Are you getting outside and getting some exercise everyday? An hour outside either walking, running or biking can clear the mind, and bring some balance internally. As Sandtrap suggested, try taking a marshal arts course to challenge yourself. In addition to his suggestions, maybe a Tai Chi, Qi Gong or meditation course. There are many approaches for bringing balance into your life and triggering a reset so you can proceed with peace of mind and contentment.
Dave
"Reality always wins, your only job is to get in touch with it." Wilfred Bion
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
I wonder if this is about the money, but rather about how you want to live your life. Is this all there is?
From your post, it appears you have a high degree of agency over your financial life, but perhaps less so over your personal life. Perhaps allocating more time to experiences you enjoy and find rewarding will help bring things into balance.
From your post, it appears you have a high degree of agency over your financial life, but perhaps less so over your personal life. Perhaps allocating more time to experiences you enjoy and find rewarding will help bring things into balance.
"Pretired", working 20 h/wk. AA 75/25: 30% TSM, 19% value (VFVA/AVUV), 18% Int'l LC, 8% emerging, 25% GFund/VBTLX. Military pension ≈60% of expenses. Pension+SS@age 70 ≈100% of expenses.
-
- Posts: 223
- Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:55 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
OP, there are many parallels between you and me.
In a nutshell, I went from poverty and squalor in a household that was so dysfunctional that I could write a book to getting married and having kids very young with a stay at home spouse (my fourth child being born when I was 29) to a partnership in an elite law firm in a major city in the northeast to early retirement six years ago right before turning 54 with a net worth of $4.8. Six and one-half years into retirement now, I have a net worth of $7.8 million but more important than that I'm stress free and couldn't be happier.
I felt like a fraud when I finished first in my class in law school; when I got hired by an elite law firm; whenever I had to "perform" in front of clients and colleagues; when I made partner; when I had to function as a partner; and when I got bigger and bigger paychecks. I never liked the job or my colleagues and I always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- wanted out. But I couldn't imagine leaving so much money and prestige, and I felt like I'd be letting my family down if I did. By the end it was unbearable. I used to just go to work, shut the door to my office, stare at my screen running retirement calculations, and avoiding everyone around me as much as possible.
There's a word for this: anxiety. Actually, there are two: crippling anxiety. It's treatable! You really need talk therapy, trust me, as you get through your final working years. Even if it's only twice a month, and even if it's on line and not in person, it can do a tremendous amount of good. You've taken a great first step pouring your heart out here the way that you just do, and now you're ready for that step.
Good luck.
In a nutshell, I went from poverty and squalor in a household that was so dysfunctional that I could write a book to getting married and having kids very young with a stay at home spouse (my fourth child being born when I was 29) to a partnership in an elite law firm in a major city in the northeast to early retirement six years ago right before turning 54 with a net worth of $4.8. Six and one-half years into retirement now, I have a net worth of $7.8 million but more important than that I'm stress free and couldn't be happier.
I felt like a fraud when I finished first in my class in law school; when I got hired by an elite law firm; whenever I had to "perform" in front of clients and colleagues; when I made partner; when I had to function as a partner; and when I got bigger and bigger paychecks. I never liked the job or my colleagues and I always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- wanted out. But I couldn't imagine leaving so much money and prestige, and I felt like I'd be letting my family down if I did. By the end it was unbearable. I used to just go to work, shut the door to my office, stare at my screen running retirement calculations, and avoiding everyone around me as much as possible.
There's a word for this: anxiety. Actually, there are two: crippling anxiety. It's treatable! You really need talk therapy, trust me, as you get through your final working years. Even if it's only twice a month, and even if it's on line and not in person, it can do a tremendous amount of good. You've taken a great first step pouring your heart out here the way that you just do, and now you're ready for that step.
Good luck.
-
- Posts: 223
- Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:55 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
[omitted]
Last edited by BigLaw Survivor on Tue Oct 19, 2021 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
- Posts: 158
- Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2021 11:09 am
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Also known as the life of quiet desperation- it’s not about money bro ! It’s about being alive and kicking it to the max. Sure we all need coin to do certain things in life, but the fact is unless you’re physically and mentally checked in it doesn’t matter what bank accounts say. Immediately get a physical, hire a personal trainer and plan the adventures. We have all an expiration date, keep that in mind.uthendo wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm I don't know what it is, but the more successful I've become the worse I feel about it all. It also happens to be when I'm in my mid-40s so I don't know if it's a midlife crisis. 7 years ago I started almost from zero net worth... I made a lot of stupid financial decisions so pretty much went sideways until that point. Since then my income has nearly tripled. Yet the more successful I've become the more worried I get. You'd think that the financial cushion would make you feel more secure... no, it's done the opposite. Now I have higher and higher benchmarks that I need to meet and it's becoming ever more stressful. With each new high comes the worry that last year was an extraordinary year and I'll never be able to match it.
I'm on pace to reach retirement in 6-8 years, but instead of being excited about such a short time span, it's causing me to dread every day trying to get there. I've never liked my job, but I didn't used to dread going to work every day. Is this a new feeling, or just the zenith of accumulated negative emotions bottled up?
It's affecting the way I view finances. I'm so obsessed with saving every penny that I'm sacrificing the present for the future. I don't care about my own sacrifices, but I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I know that changing jobs or walking away is the answer to reducing stress. I guess I'm old school and just feel like I need to suck it up and deal with it. Anyone have any other advice?
- Sandtrap
- Posts: 19582
- Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:32 pm
- Location: Hawaii No Ka Oi - white sandy beaches, N. Arizona 1 mile high.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Great points!Dave55 wrote: ↑Tue Oct 19, 2021 7:40 am First thing you have to do is get up to 30,000 feet and look at the whole landscape of your life, look at the big picture. What do you like? What do you not like? Make adjustments. This is also a good time to stir it up and break the routine. Go to Asia or Europe on a vacation with the family. A friend of mine once said it's good to move residences every 5-10 years to shake things up.
Are you getting outside and getting some exercise everyday? An hour outside either walking, running or biking can clear the mind, and bring some balance internally. As Sandtrap suggested, try taking a marshal arts course to challenge yourself. In addition to his suggestions, maybe a Tai Chi, Qi Gong or meditation course. There are many approaches for bringing balance into your life and triggering a reset so you can proceed with peace of mind and contentment.
Dave
Very well said.
Cogent
Succinct
OP: Point of the matter here is "stress" as a relatively modern "ailment" happens not because of high demands, but imbalance in Self, and the broader entirety of one's life, lifestyle, ethos, and personal paradigm.
For example: the gym and weightlifting is one's passion and hobby. Regardless of demands, there's no "stress" and "burnout" and desire to "quit forever and retire" there. But, if there's imbalance: bench pressing 300 pounds but can't do a pull up or squat, then things are eventually going to go bad. Thus. . . balance. . in and out. If one is in "balance", strong in and out, then there's no stress, no artificial constructs IE: imposter syndrome, to justify or explain away what is simply a stage of growth, life, and "growing pains" that everyone goes through if they challenge life and "Self" to grow and excel. (doesn't happen to the mediocre and ambivalent).
Cognitive therapy in some ways.
Hope this cheers you up and helps and gives perspective.
Meditation as Dave suggested.
Sit by yourself with your "Self" and have a talk with your "Self", then. . .stop talking and wait for the butterfly to land.
OM
j
- ClevrChico
- Posts: 3246
- Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:24 pm
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
Think of yourself as being in charge of your family's morale. Try saying "yes" to most every request, it's quite fun.
Kids want McDonald's? "Okay, let's go." Spouse wants to go to a restaurant? "Sounds good, you pick it out." Kids want fancy Halloween costumes this year? "OK." Etc, etc.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
If you think what you're currently doing has "become ridiculous" then you don't need my opinion of something I can't know the full context of, sounds like you know it.uthendo wrote: ↑Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:22 pm... I do wonder if I'm cheating my family out of a good experience because I'm unwilling to spend a modest amount on fun things. When I've hit saving goals, instead of spending the rest I just increase my saving goal. Quite honestly it's become ridiculous. I think so far it's 70%. I can't spend $10 on fast food even though it's a rounding error in the big scheme of things...
I don't think buying things (especially if it's for garbage like fast food) is the ticket to satisfaction. It wouldn't hurt to budget for some small amount of family fun money to splurge with though.
"To achieve satisfactory investment results is easier than most people realize; to achieve superior results is harder than it looks." - Benjamin Graham
- AnnetteLouisan
- Posts: 7239
- Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2021 10:16 pm
- Location: New York, NY
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
All totally normal.
Yoga, meditation, tai chi.
Yoga, meditation, tai chi.
Re: Midlife crises, imposter syndrome, or just the way life is???
This thread has run its course and is locked (lifestyle issue, not financial). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.